Wine nights are never the original plan, yet they are always a good idea (for the most part.) They happen as a back up plan when there isn’t anything else going on but we still want to get our drank on. Oh, (insert hot-guy frat here) isn’t throwing down tonight? Oh, no one is going to hit up the bars? Solution? Wine night.
So what actually occurs on wine night with the ladies? Picture a couple of girls in their comfy Lulu Lemon leggings and loose Urban Outfitters sweaters so that they look all underdressed and chill when actually their outfit costs as much as an iPhone (but like a 4S so it’s like, not a big deal.) Amanda is braiding Katie’s hair, while Emily paints her nails. They flip through magazines and discuss fiscal policy and other important shit while they swirl their Pinot Noir to aerate the tannins or something, while they smack their lips and say things like “it’s a bit tart” and “indubitably.” Now erase that image completely. This is not what happens remotely.
Wine night for college girls is the opposite of classy, and the opposite of boring. Each girl gets her own bottle of wine, or her own bag to slap, because, well, who wants to share and get a light buzz? Yeah, no one. Like, like, “Oooo sign me up for a slight tipsiness that’ll last an hour!”…Uhhh no. We tryna get sloppy joe like a hoe!
Here’s what really goes down when we get our livers drowned:
We pour our wine into a coffee mug or red cup or even a water bottle, because no one remembers to bring wine glasses to college. We pop in a classic rom com (or chi fli) like Bridesmaids, or Mean Girls, or we play amazing music that actually super-soaker-sucks eggs (like Squidward is mostly likely to be) but is tons of fun to dance our faces off too. #sweaty #RememberDeodorant #SecretPlatnumSpanishRose #DiscontinuedAndStillBitterAboutIt
Our Motto: Sipping=lame so chug the juice, and you’ll get loose. It’s simple arithmetic. You see, women LOVE getting wine drunk, or as I like to say, W.D. (not to be confused with D.W., from Arthur.) Why? Well, vodka feels like liquid flames going down, and tequila gets your naked, where as wine…oh wait, wine also gets you naked. (sideways mouthed this-is-awkward-emoji)
It is never a good idea to have your phone with you because stupid texts WILL be sent, yet we always have them anyway. Example with Wine Drunk Girl (or WDG):
Wine Drunk Girl: Hye wutr u UP TOoo?
Boy WDG hooked up with once and hasn’t talked to in a year: haha, you’re wasted.
Wine Drunk Girl: No, I’m ttoly soober ij lkrij lskdnn !!! lei can so ocme over tonigth.
Depending on the situation, this conversation can either lead to very good things, or very very bad things that she will probably regret.
Wine night is also a guaranteed night of roller-coaster emotions. There are two prominent phases when getting wine faded.
Phase 1: The Giggles.
This is where everything is funny. Friend tells a that’s what she said joke? Giggles. Accidentally slice finger open with nail clippers? Giggles. Spill red wine all over white initiation dress? Giggles. These giggles are the giggles where we all laugh as hard as mah dick, until we are red in the face, mascara dripping from our eyes, and the occasional spurt of pee dripping from our vag. Yeah, “peeing in your pants” is not an expression when it comes to getting the giggles. It’s reality. (Shout out to Splash Mountain…you know who you are.)
Phase 2: The Waterworks
This is where we all open up about the ish in our life and get super emo and start to cry and have gross snot dripping out of our nose but no one can say anything because we are crying. This is where we get to wine about our lives (emphasis on the word “wine”) and make our friends listen to las problemas. Though it is a wee bit depressing, its always a good thing to get our emotions out, because during the day, all girls hide all their emotions and pretend they are happy, when there are actually a million things going wrong that day. The Waterworks are for #RealTalk, and are important for helping each other through the hard times. #LeahGetsSerious
The end of wine night, usually concludes in two ways. The first way is passing da fuq out accidentally, even though you totally intended on pulling an all-nighter for the bonding sesh. This sleep usually involves weird dreams, snoring, and heavy drooling. #GirlsRuleGirlsDrool The second way is by meeting up with a boy and bringing sexy back in the lovin sack. (this can be anything from the light PG rated Disney-esque saliva swap to the casual head in the bed, all the way to home run dog-in-bun fun.)
So drink up me hearties, you hoe, you hoe, it’s a Wine Night life for me.