In this article, I will be pointing out 5 things that make a guy a douche bag. The stereotypical douche spikes his hair, gets a fake tan, and wears muscle tees. But you’ve been warned, a douche can be living inside of that attractive Vineyard Vines wearing gorgeous specimen of a man as well. Douche bags come in all shapes and sizes, and if you have encountered a guy who does any of the following, then guess what, you guessed it…you’re hooking up with a douche. There are plenty more things that make a guy a douche, but here are the 5 that have been really prevalent thus far.
1. No Follow through
Lately I’ve heard from a ton of my friends that there is this lack of follow-through. There is this missing correlation between text and action when it comes to boys and I want to understand why. (Notice I said boys because apparently these dudes don’t mature until they’re like 36.)
You see, when a girl goes out on a limb and texts a guy “hey, I’m at Starbucks if you want to do work with me” and the guy responds with “yeah sure, I’ll be there in like a half hour” the natural expectation would be that he would show up in about a half hour. However, instead, in this certain instance, he never showed.
My question is why he would say he would come by if he never intended to come by. Earth to douchebag! We’re going to notice if you never show up. So if you really aren’t going to show up, then tell us. Stop being scared of sounding like a dick, because you’ll just look like one in the end. Instead, text us “I would but I have this group project to do” or some shit like that. It may be a lie, but at least it’s a lie that doesn’t leave us waiting awkwardly with an empty chair even though several people have asked if they could take it.
The same goes for saying you’ll text us. “I will definitely text you tomorrow.” If those words came out of your mouth, then text us tomorrow. I just don’t understand. Like why would you say it if you aren’t going to. You could have said “I’ll see you around” or “later babe” or anything besides something that got our hopes up, because we only end up getting let down.
No follow through? He’s a Douche.
2.Disrespecting the Beej
Ladies and gentlemen, lets talk about the act of fellatio (totally sounds like an Italian cream sauce to me.) It’s not necessary. Girls do it for the guy and get no happiness from it, except the satisfaction of making the guy happy. So when a guy receives OralB, and doesn’t appreciate it, he sucks. And blows. Like a girl giving a BJ, get it? Get it?!
Ok, let me give some examples of disrespecting the Beej. When the guy wont make out with you after you give him a Beej? He’s a douche. Like, if she can deal with it, so can you.
Another real life example (I have to say “real life example” because you are never going to believe that a guy would actually do this, but it happened to my friend, and I’m sure it will happen to others as well) is if the guy is texting while receiving head. Like ok, are you kidding me? That is the most degrading, most selfish thing a guy could ever do. That makes the girl feel like absolute worthless shit. Well guess what, if you are texting while getting head, YOU are the absolute worthless piece of shit.
One more thing? When a guy presses down on her head while she’s doing it. Like ok, holding her hair back? That’s a nice gesture. No one wants hair in their mouth. But pressing down hard on her head so she’s dick to uvula? No. Awful. I don’t know if you learned it from porn or something, but this is real life, and she’s not Jenna Jameson. Unless she is, in which case, good for you man! Good for you.
Disrespected the BJ? He’s a douche.
3. Care but no Commitment
I have noticed that there is this trend of guys saying they really “care” about a girl, but they can’t commit. Um, I’m sorry, what? So you really are into one girl, but you don’t want to be exclusive with her? Why? To be honest, it’s not fair to her. You like each other, so why not be with each other? In my expert opinion, it makes you look a lot cooler if you are exclusively hooking up with one hot amazing girl as opposed to multiple ratchet ass drunk biddies who say shit like “I’m so good in bed, people say I could be a porn star.” (actually happened…) Like I just don’t get it. There is this an awesome girl you are super into, yet you don’t want to commit to her because you are scared you will miss out on porking a rando?
Tells you he likes you but can’t commit? He’s a douche.
4. Zero Effort Given
There is nothing more aggravating than a guy that doesn’t put any effort into the relationship. It’s a two way street buddy. I watch my friends deal with these scum bags who hook up with them, but then don’t hang out during the week, or never send the first text. My friend is in a long distance relationship, and her boyfriend doesn’t call her. He tells her he’s really busy, but when you love someone, you make time for him or her. Why do guys do this? Why can’t they put in the effort? If he likes a girl, wouldn’t he want to text her, and wouldn’t he want to hang out with her? A girl should not have to put up with it, yet we all do it because we don’t want to lose the guy. But here’s what I think, if he’s not going to give any effort, then she shouldn’t either. He’s not worth her time if he wont make time for her.
Zero effort given? He’s a douche.
5. Spitting Bullshit
When a guy just bullshits and lies to you all the time, he’s an ass wipe. He’s all like, “I really like you” and then hooks up with you and then the next time you see him he tells you he’s over it. Stop lying just to get girls in bed with you! Literally, you hurt the girl, and you hurt yourself. But just like lying in general (or in colonel) and just for the halibut (like hell of it, get it?) is fucked up. Literally, I hear crazy stories of guys saying they didn’t hook up with this girl but then everyone finds out that they did. Trust me, there are no secrets when everyone has an iPhone and snaps pics of people making out at parties. We always find out, and you never get away with it, so why lie in the first place? I know a guy who’s done some pretty questionable things, but he has always been honest about it, so there is really no reason to be mad at him. Honesty really is the best policy, and a guy that constantly feeds you bullshit is a guy that totally sucks D.
Kid spits bullshit? He’s a Douche.
Now let me just clarify; I am not some like super feminist granola lesbo who hates all men. In fact, I am a HUGE fan of guys. Definitely an advocate for them. And I do know that good ones exist. I have come across some amazing guys that are sweet and decent and all around good, but it seems that douchebags are dominating the scene, and we need to learn how to identify them before we become too emotionally invested. We need to start thinking with our heads instead of with our hearts (and hormones.)