OK so everyone texts right? Like if you don’t, then you probably don’t have hands, in which case I am truly so sorry for you, but like, I gotta hand it to you (pun) you’re doin a great job! Hang in there! CHENNYWAY. So. Texting is probably the most amazing thing ever invented. It is the perfect way for communication, from coordinating plans, to sending the ever-so-popular 3 am booty call (or booty text?) saying “hey. What’s up?” (So not stealthy B T Dubs.) Texting is a revolutionary application that we would not be able to survive without, now that it is such a huge part of our lives. But texting is used for so much more than just communicating. You may be asking yourself, gee, what else could texting be useful for, if not for texting another person? Well I am here to tell you. Literally I’m standing outside your window so like open it up and let me in so I can tell you. Except not literally so don’t do that because you’ll feel silly. Plus its cold out! WOOOOOOOO! Ok. Now I am going to address something that we all do, and that is to create the illusion that you are sending a text. Confused? We all do it. We all send fake texts, and it saves our asses! Here are the three times when fake texting comes in handy! (again, sorry to those of you who do not have hands. My heart goes out to you.)
1. So you are walking to class and you’re in the zone thinking about the book that you didn’t read for this class you have now and you are super distracted and your iPod is playing some horrible alternative song you downloaded in Middle school like by the Academy Is… or something (like why did we listen to that shit?) but you don’t even realize you are listening to it because you are so distracted, and then all of a sudden you realize you walked in the wrong direction! Now, you could easily do the awkward stop and turn around, in which case everyone around you will see that you just stopped dead in your tracks and turned around because you were going the wrong way. HOW EMBARRASSING! Like, everyone does it, and like Hannah Montana said that “everyone makes mistakes,” yet we still get embarrassed about going the wrong way. So instead of the awkward turnaround, what do you do? You stop, whip out your phone, pretend to send a text or pretend you just received a text. Maybe even do a fake laugh so people think you really read a text. Only then do you turn around and head in the direction you were supposed to be going. It’s the perfect plan. No one will think twice about it.
2. New scenario? You are walking down a hallway. Ordinarily this hallway is like, just a normal hallway. However, you see someone approaching. You squint, and you see that it is your one-night stand from last thirsty Thursday, or your past hook-up buddy that just seemed to fizzle out, or a guy you were set up on a date with that kind of just went no where. Suddenly, this hallway is the longest hallway in the entire world. I’m talking some serious Great Wall of China shit. That’s how long the trek seems to be. You are walking alone so you can’t turn to a friend and ignore him. And there is this awkward moment where you know you see each other but you aren’t close enough to wave hi, because like then what will you do when you actually pass each other? So the solution? Whip out your phone! He’ll probably do the same, but like then it wont feel so awkward while you are approaching each other. And we like to convince ourselves he assumes that your talking to your new hot boyfriend that doesn’t exist even though he’s not thinking that at all and is probably just thinking you are pretending to text. Yet we do it anyway. This way, when you actually pass, you can look up from your SUPER important fake text with your super hot fake boyfriend, and say “Hey, what’s up” with your super fake confidence because inside you kind of want to pee from nervousness. (but like side note, how awkward is it when someone asks “what’s up” while your walking passed him or her because then you like start answering the question but you are already passing each other so you like quickly and awkwardly say like, “nothing much, you?” and then like he doesn’t respond because he’s already gone and then you just feel weird. Am I right?) But yes, the fake texts saves you from the awkward corridor confront.
3. Ever make plans to meet someone somewhere, say, at the dinning hall or a restaurant or something? Well guess what, he or she is running late, so now you look like that weird girl who sits and eats alone. People walk by, and yes, they judge you. They are thinking, wow, that’s so awkward that she is sitting alone and has no friends and she is a loser and maybe she smells really bad which is why no one likes her. (speaking of which, I know this one person who smells AWFUL! Literally, like there will be like sporadic whiffs of horse shit that seep from her skin, and into my nostril, but I kid you not, I am the only one that notices. I must have like serious super scent or something. #Alliteration Maybe that’s why I’m so nosy (#badpunz.)) But anyway yeah, so you are sitting all alone and of course people that you kind of know that you want to think of you as cool are all sitting close by, so you’re just like fuck. It’s also even more awkward if you are eating alone because then you just feel judged even more. But anyway, how to solve the awkwardness? FAKE TEXT, uhhhh DUH! Take out your phone, pretend to press some buttons. It doesn’t matter if your iMessage is even open since no one can see your screen. Pass the time so people think you have friends that you are talking to when really you have no one to text at the moment (except maybe a real text to your friend who is running late and you text her to hurry up but then after that text there is nothing else to say so then you might text your mom being like “just checking in! xoxo”) but then after that, all you gotta do is pretend you are texting someone until your friend shows up. Easy. As. Pie. (mmmmm Pie is definitely my fave dessert. Also, notice how I spelled dessert right? And like I usually spell EVERYTHING wrong #sorrynotsorry. Well that’s because I remember dessert has two S’s because you always want seconds!!…although #leahcirca2010 was all about those 3rds and 4ths LOLZ)
So just remember ladies and gents, guys and dolls, bitches and bastards, boys and girls, (and transvestites! Sorry, don’t wanna leave anyone out!) when you are sending your next fake text message, its ok. Everyone does it. And if everyone does it, then it’s cool. Like cocaine! (Just kidding.! Drugs are bad. Stay in school. Always use protection. Yada yada yada.) Also, I’m like really into using parentheses in this blog post but like, I just have so many other thoughts, ya know? (A.D.D.) Ok, DUCES BITCHES! PEACE IN THE MID EAST!