As I sit in my apartment, clad in an oversized pair of sweatpants, a sweatshirt I stole from some dude and extremely fuzzy socks, I couldn’t help but wonder (so Carrie Bradshaw of me!): why does it have to get cold outside?
Literally, I hate winter.
Sure, my birthday is in winter (Dec. 17, don’t forget my present!) and it’s the holiday season; there’s hot chocolate and ice skating and cute scarves, hats, gloves and sweaters, but winter makes me fuckin’ depressed.
In fact, if I had to compare winter to one of the 4 women in sex in the city, winter would definitely be Miranda because she’s everyone’s least favorite.
Like, if I played “Cliffs” with winter, spring, and fall, I would fuck fall, marry spring, and chuck winter right off the highest cliff I could find (I left summer out because I would probably marry summer, then divorce him, and take all his money).
So why do I, and everyone else who is normal in the world, hate winter? Well, there are many reasons, and WEATHER you want to hear them or not I am going to tell you.
So for starters, it’s fucking cold!
Like yes, we complain when there is a heat wave and you have to carry around one of those fans that also squirts water to keep spraying yourself because you think that it might actually cool you down, but it never works and then you’re just hot and wet. But I would take the heat wave over 30 degrees or below any day.
Literally, the cold is the worst.
It makes us lazy. Who wants to go anywhere when it’s cold out? Walking to class everyday is hell unless you are basically wearing a parka. Going out is a whole other issue. Sorry boys, but winter means no more short skirts and tube-top dresses.
Well, actually that’s not entirely true.
You can take the black tights or shiny leggings route, or you can bear the cold and depend on your liquor jacket, or Zelcoat as I like to call it. (Like Zelko, the cheap and disgusting $6 vodka.)
Even more, some decide to wear their jacket to the bar or club, so we either have to walk around all night with our jacket slung over our arm—which makes double fisting quite the challenge—or we have to pay the $5 at coat check which none of us want to do because we are cheap college kids tryna save our money for important things like grocery shopping, laundry detergent, and tequila (priorities, am I right?)
Winter forces us to dress how our fathers want us to dress: conservatively.
And to that, I say nay! I will wear my bodycon dresses and strappy open-toed heels, and I will complain about the cold, and everyone is just going to have to suck it up because no one looks sexual in a turtleneck. (except for Beyonce). #sexualturtleneck
Another problem with the cold weather is that when it’s freezing outside, you layer all your clothes.
Bra, cami, sweater, fleece, puffy jacket, scarf. This will keep you warm enough outside, but once you get to class and walk inside the heated room, the sweat starts a’comin, and it is literally Niagara Falls between your boobs.
So yeah, bundle, but with caution, because it may be cold outside, but inside the heat is blasting.
Winter also sucks because we get uglier.
No sun=no tan. For us white girls, without a tan we look ghostly, translucent, and pasty. Our dark circles are more prominent and our zits more noticeable. Girls will either accept their egg-shell complexion or fight it with fake bake.
Either a nice orange Umpa-Lumpa-esque spray tan or a lovely cancerous glow from the tanning bed. $EXXIII!
Also, we tend to gain some winter weight.
You see, in the summertime when it’s nice and hot, we are constantly active and conscious of our bodies because of the tiny clothes and bikinis we wear. So we tend to snack on grapes and popsicles.
But in the winter when it’s cold, all we want is mac n’ cheese, bread, chocolate, and pie. And because we are lazier, we don’t work out as much and so we go seal-style and gain this layer of blubber to keep us warm.
And if being fatter and paler isn’t bad enough, our lips get chapped, our skin gets scaly, and our hair gets limp and dry.
The only thing that doesn’t seem to be getting dry is our wine glasses, because with the depression that comes along with winter, it’s nice to feel the warmth in our bellies and a buzz in our brains.
Speaking of depression, yes its true. People become more depressed in the winter. I for one (and one for I!) get so grumpy in the winter I could definitely get away with being one of the 7 dwarfs (plus I’m short so that helps).
Literally, take the number of times I smile in the summer and then cut that in half and then cut THAT in half and then subtract that number by itself and you will get the amount of times you will see me smile in the winter (it’s zero if you didn’t get that).
Plus with the lack of regular exercise due to our winter laziness, we don’t get that boost of endorphins and our serotonin levels are wickity WACK. (ew, I hate myself…)
Literally, Chief Keef would probs say winter’s like a bitch n*gga, cuz that’s that shit NO ONE likes.
The last thing that really gets me during winter is daylight savings.
I never really understood why we switch the clocks up. It think one day some sick bastard was just like, OMG. How about we make it really dark earlier so that people will get sleepier and depressed at 5:00 pm every day!
Like, ok Mr. Portokalos, fuck you! (and how about Kimono?!)
…If you don’t get the reference, you are not my friend.
Daylight Savings started in Germany, but like, really?
Like, Nein Danke. They should have stuck to pretzels and accordions. This DST shit aint workin with me. As if there weren’t too few hours in the day already! UGH! #STRESS!
So yes, there are some great things about the wintertime.
Snuggling, movies, an excuse to drink Irish coffees, snow angels. But if we made a pro con list, or a ven diagram, you would see that winter is DREADFUL and literally makes me want to never ever leave my apartment.
It’s only been cold for three days and I’ve already caught up on all my shows and Netflix seasons.
So stock up on all your nuts you crazy boys and squirrels, because hibernation starts NOW.