#BitchesWhoBrunch

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You know those girls that don’t like to eat anything except celery and ice cubes? Guess what. They’re doing it wrong, because they’re totally missing out on the best meal there is: brunch.

Brunch is the most perfect meal for Saturdays and Sundays because, well, who the fuck doesn’t like brunch?

Like yo. I HATE brunch…said no one ever.

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Here’s the thing. Breakfast just doesn’t happen on the weekends, because let’s be honest, you’re either a) uncomfortably spooning some hookup at his place brainstorming a polite way of telling him you have to go home but you don’t have cash for a cab (awk), b) sporadically running from your bed to the bathroom about every 10 minutes to throw up the absurd amount of jungle juice and/or vodka you consumed last night, or c) drooling on your pillow in a cross-faded state, PTFO.

If you’re at the gym at 8 in the morning on a Saturday, you’re doing Friday night wrong. Like, Shabbat Shalom bitches. Going to bed early is for old people and doctors working the night shift.  PU-EACE

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MOVING ON. Because breakfast is just not a thing, Brunch is definitely the move. Not only is brunch fuckin’ delicious, it’s also classy A.F.

Get yourself out of your sweats and into those expensive jeans and peplum top you never get a chance to wear, touch up you’re makeup from last night (if it isn’t smudged all over your pillow) and rally the ladies to re-hash the details from last night’s hash brownie adventures over fancy omelets and hash-browns.

#SayHashAgain #Hash

And one of the best parts about brunch? Bottomless mimosas. Yeah.

Everyone knows the best cure for a hangover is to drink more, (the whole cucumber water thing is totally a myth) so why not do it with a little class in your glass?

The never-ending supply of mimosas (that’s not actually never-ending because there’s usually a time limit like two hours or some crazy ish like that) can alter your state of mind in any way you choose. Four glasses per hour and your bound to be blackout by 3 am,  (shout out to SMD) or a simple two-per, if you’re not feelin’ a stupor.

Binge drinking isn’t binge drinking when it’s done out of a champagne flute. REMEMBER THAT.

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And what happens at Brunch, stays at Brunch.

Gossip and #shittalking is bound to occur when a group of girls come together over egg-whites and alcohol, so make sure you trust the ladies you brunch with.

Some advice for doing brunch right?

1. Don’t keep pestering the waiter for more refills.

They get annoyed with drunk biddies and have the power to spit in your food.

2. Don’t drink like a wuss.

You are paying a set rate for your drinks, so you want to get the most out of how much you spent. If you get into a heated deep convo with your BFF Jill and forget to keep drinking, you’ll be throwin’ down $20 for two glasses of yellow drank.

3. Split the check.

There is nothing more excruciating than a group of drunk people trying to figure out how much money they each owe on their check, and it’s a pain to write down everyone’s card number and dollar amount with the tip included. Waiters hate it. Brunchers hate it. And no matter how many times the most sober one does the math, there always ends up being a mystery $15 left over that needs to be added. So divide the costs equally, because it will make the whole process sooooo much easier. #stress #SeperateChecksFoLYFE

4. Uber or metro. Do not drive.

You may think that because you are drinking mimosas, you’ll be good to drive. But guess what. You’re not. It’s legit a serious problemo amongst college students and you really have to cut it the fuck out. Like, it doesn’t matter if it’s a ten-minute ride back to campus and it doesn’t matter that you’re wearing cute clothes so if you do get in a crash, at least you’ll look good. You are putting yourself in danger, and you are putting others in danger, and I cannot emphasize enough that it’s super important that if you are planning on brunching/drinking irresponsibly, then do it in a responsible way.  Ya feel?

5. Tell the waiter it’s someone’s birthday (optional.)

Most likely you’ll get a free plate of dessert with a candle on top, and like, since we’re broke college students we’ll take what we can get. And it’s not lying if you say it’s a belated birthday celebration! #loophole

Good food, good company, and enough time to go back home and nap so you can rally later that night.

Brunch ladies and gentlemen. It’s definitely the move.

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