HOW TO MEET SUMMER RESOLUTIONS: GETTING TAN, SKINNY, AND RICH

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Summer vacation for college girls is like New Years Day for mid-life-crisis, semi-overweight women: it’s a time for resolutions.

‘Tis the season to start over, reflect on the school year, and finally get around to all the things we wanted to do during the year but never got around to because we were too busy doing more important things, like studying or ripping shots. #priorities

 Because I am not above the ways of Buzzfeed (though I’d like to think I am) I will, yet again, make a list. YAY LISTS!

 Below are the 3 most typical summer resolutions college girls make, because, like, we all know you’re basic.

 Buuttt Plot twist! Read on to see how we can ACTUALLY accomplish our goals.

 You’re welcome.

 1. GET TAN: Yes. This one may seem pretty obvious, but it’s insane how many times I hear my friends—and other girls who think are my friends but I really don’t like—say that all they want to do is get tan this summer.

I have to admit, this is my goal as well…

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Mom always told me my fair skin was so beautiful, but to her I say BULL SHIT! Tan skin makes teeth look whiter, faces look healthier (cause when I’m pale I’m legit a gaunt mother-trucker) and white dresses look killer A.F. Also, I’m not sure if it’s just me, but tan skin is slimming! It’s like the little black dress, version au naturel.

HOW TO: Again, the answer to getting tan may seem obvious, but in reality people are stupid and don’t understand there should really only be one way to get tan.

I’m about to get a little Surgeon General on yo ass and tell you that TANNING BEDS KILL. Don’t do it. Don’t roast yourself and ignore the fact that it will increase your chance of getting skin cancer. Like literally, it’s the same thing as lying under your toaster oven (shout out to my Sophomore year Chem teacher! #education)

I really don’t think you want sections of skin sliced off of your body, and you don’t want ugly moles appearing all over your skin. Those ain’t beauty marks. Furthermore, chemo apparently sucks, so like, lets not go through that. #BeSmart

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So instead, get tan from the sun! But remember: wear sunscreen with some serious SPF and don’t lay out when the sun is super strong. Because then you’ll just burn and peel, and the only person that likes skin flakes is Goldmember from Austin Powers. #Vom

2. GET SKINNY: Now, I would like to preface this post with saying that you are all beautiful. Like wow, jizzing.

HOWEVER, no matter what, girls always make the resolution to “get skinny this summer.” Not only do we want to look good for ourselves, we want to trim the waist so when we return to school in the fall we look fucking unrecognizably sexy.

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Remember in middle school when that pre-teen girl left 7th grade flat chested and boy-figured and returned in 8th grade with GIGANTIC kitties with a T?

We wanna go for THAT wow factor, and summer is the time to do it.

HOW TO: The first thing to remember is that you can’t set unrealistic goals. Saying you want to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer is just setting yourself up for failure. Five or ten is a more viable option.

But more importantly, the REAL goal should be to get HEALTHY. I know. You are rolling your eyes because you know that for the most part we don’t care about being healthy, as long as we look great in a bikini (which is why women resort to diet pills, dangerous cleanses, and pulling the trigger to vom up the din).

But you can get skinny the healthy way! SURPRISE! Lets not go ano, especially because that means no FroYo, and, like, if you ARE a basic bitch, you’d never survive.

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The advice I give you is going to make you HATE me, but it’s seriously the only way to ditch the poundage.

Eat healthy (stop eating everything a la mode), exercise at least 5 times a week (don’t forget about squats!), drink BUTT LOADS of water (lemon water is strongly recommended) and sleep A.M.A.P (as much as possible.)

Also, reward yourself daily with a little treat like a square of chocolate or a glass of wine.

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Do these things, and you’re bound to become so freaking hot you won’t want a new back to school outfit because you’re gonna wanna be naked all the time!

3. GET RICH: Everyone wants to make money during the summer so we can spend it during the year, or add it to our piggy banks to save up (Side note, I have an actual piggy bank with $43 in quarters! #richAF).

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Anyway, we want to make our own money so we can use it to buy things we feel guilty spending our allowance from our parents on (like cabs, unnecessary yummy dinners, booze and substances that rhymes with rugs.)

This way, we are only spending the small amount of parental money on groceries, toiletries, rent and school supplies. #responsibility

We want money, and like Veruca, we want it NOW, which is why summer, a time where we have the freedom to do as we please, is used to make the #moola.

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HOW TO: Now, if I had the answers on how to get rich, I would be rollin’ up to Neiman Marcus in a Mercedes convertible dressed in Chanel instead of writing this blog post right now.

HOWEVER, I CAN tell you that you are not going to make money at an unpaid internship (ok captain obvious). Yeah, it is a resume booster, and, like, I guess you can also sometimes gain good experience, but most places are just forcing college students to spit-seal envelopes and plan out social media calendars. And apparently it’s illegal to intern for free #unjustlabor.

So if you want to avoid the whole “indentured servitude” thing, apply for jobs with wages or salaries (GASP!).

Nannying is a good place to start because 1: You can meet really cool parents that may have connections to cool jobs for your future and, 2: You can make like, 20 bucks an hour, which is way more than one typically makes working in retail or in a restaurant.

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JUST REMEMBER; make money in a respectable way. So even if you have HUGE boobies, don’t work at Hooters. We want to make money, not lose our dignity.

We may not leave our summers’ rich enough to buy a new car or a designer teacup pig, but we will at least have enough for spending on our leisurely items, traveling abroad, or some new going-out clothes.

IN CONC: Basically, take this summer to get tan, skinny, and rich. If we all stay determined, disciplined, work hard and constantly look at inspirational Instagram photos, we WILL accomplish our resolutions.

So here’s to the new you. Mazel.

The Post Game Post

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(Dad, don’t read this…)

The Post Game. It is a term that is ubiquitously used in college culture, but what exactly IS a post game?

(Also, note that I use the word “ubiquitous” in every paper I ever write to make me sound smarter and it works like a charm. #rightclicksynonyms).

“Post Game” is an inconsistent term, as there are several meanings to the event. However, this blog post will break down the three types of post games—The Post Game Triad, the Trinity of Post Games, if you will—that exist to spread awareness that a post game doesn’t always turn out to be what you think it will be.

Post Game Numero Uno: The After Party

For those of you like me, you know that the party never ends. It’s a very Ke$ha way of living, and a great way of living at that (emphasis on the sparkles but ditch the barfing). So, if you are at a party and it’s dying down (which it shouldn’t, but whatever) then you know this doesn’t mean the night is over. I’m gonna pull out a cliché and say that we are young and we can sleep when we’re dead. So what do we do to keep the night going? We go to a Post Game, le DUH.

This is the after party post game.

It is the post game that is even crazier than the actual party. I go to a small liberal arts school, so it’s not super typs to find these, but I visited UMD and post gamed there and it was pretty much unreal. It was sweaty and packed and the DJ was BOMB. Handles were going around from mouth to mouth (so mono probably was as well) and EVERYONE was dancing, grinding on grinding from left to right. Big state schools do the Post Game right.

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So go to the party and keep your heels on, and then the after party, and then the AFTER after party, and keep the night going with this kind of Post Game. You can soak your feet in the morning.

(Or at 4 pm when you finally wake up).

Post Game Numero Dos: The Chill Sesh

This Post Game skips the grinding and goes straight for the grinder. It’s the small get together with close friends where you re-HASH the details of the night, hit up the THC (not to be confused with HTC), and fulfill your munchy cravings. This little hang out is more common at smaller schools like mine. These Post Games are more intimate because they are typically pretty small. They are comfortable and allow for silliness, and someone always drunkenly orders Dominos for the whole crew.

Word to the wise: girls LOVE drunk Dominos. Cheesey bread is the manna to the DominHOE: a God-sent miracle that tastes fucking fantastic.

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So naturally, when you’ve been dancing and drinking and partying all night, you are exhausted! But you also don’t want to sleep, because what will that accomplish? You aren’t going to remember those days of college where you were well rested and studious. You are going to remember those 3 a.m. hangouts where you and your friends hit the bongos and then shaved your friend’s head.

So instead of going to bed after a wild night, you do a chill sesh post game, in order to keep the night going, but not so much that you’re too tired the next day. For this Post Game, in order to make sure you aren’t burnt out, you make the wise decision of gathering a few of your compadres and just burn.

Post Game Numero Tres: Code Word, Lovin  

If a guy ever comes up to you and asks, “yo, you wanna post game?” this COULD mean that he wants you to come over and party with others, or smoke, OR it could just mean he wants you to come over and come (with a “U” if ya know what I’m sayin.) To put it bluntly, guys use the term Post Game as code to ask if you wanna bang.

I guess it is a lot easier for a guy to say “post game?” in a text than “come over and have sex later?” It sounds less grimy and harmless, but it’s way more suave than when a guy just asks to “hang out later.”

Guys who ask if you are DTPG (down to post game) have got mad moves when it comes to the ladies. They are ordinarily pretty confident, and they are confident for one of two reasons: One, they pull mad biddies, or two, they have a HUGE, ehem, ego…

So, if you aren’t interested in some guy that asks you to post game, beware that he might be trying to hook up with you. You must be aware, and be able to distinguish what kind of post game a guy is inviting you to, because like, how awkward would it be if you expected a rager and you get there and it’s just some sub par guy (maybe a 6) lying on his bed Burt Reynolds style, waiting for you to jump him. Like, Uber me home NOWWWW! However, if it’s a guy you are into, then the code-word “post game” is super beneficial because you make plans to hang out together in a totally nonchalant way.

Snaps for not being awkward!

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CONCLUSION (AKA POST POST GAME POST)

So to recap, the Post Game can mean one of three things: it could be another party, a small get together that typically involves marriage-you-wanna, or a night of fornication.

Be able to distinguish these, and you’re set for ending the night in the way you want, and in doing so ensuring some pretty great memories and moments with your friends (unless you’re black out in which case you can just assume you had a legendary time).

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I Wear High Heels, I Shave my Legs and I’m a Feminist

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OK, so I know that all of you are just going to think I’m writing about this because Beyonce recently brought it up with the release of her surprise album, but I SWEAR I thought of blogging about this before that happened.

(Sorry Bey, I take full credit, clearly you’ve been spying on me and wire-tapping…also, if that’s true, didn’t mean what I said about baby Blue if you heard that convo…I’m sure she won’t get ALL of Jay-Z’s features…)

Anyway, I’m talking about being a feminist, which is what I am.

Yup. I said it. I am a feminist; hear me roar! But guess what… I also shave my legs. Is that even possible? YES!

A “feminist” has this negative connotation in our society. Many women laugh and say they aren’t feminists, but like, are you for real? Are you kidding me? If you are a woman, think long and hard (haha…”long and hard”) about what I am about to ask.

Do you believe you should share the same equal rights and opportunities as your male counterparts? If you answered “yes” then you, my not-necessarily-lesbian friend, ARE a FEMINIST.

#NoShame

We need to shake this idea that feminists are a bad thing.

It’s not about whether you believe in women being stay-at-home moms or splitting the check on a date.  Because I can tell you, I’m all about the guy paying for my dinner (seriously, no complaints.) But I’m talking about the real stuff. I’m talking about all those women who don’t think they should work in finance because it’s a man’s job.

I’m talking about all those people out there who don’t trust female doctors or female lawyers. I’m talking about all those men out there that have this strange theory women can’t make a good cup of coffee!

Our brains are just as capable as a men’s brains. Though both brains operate differently, and typically have different strengths, woman still have something to bring to the table, and I don’t just mean her husband’s sandwich.

From a college gals’ perspective, feminism should be all the rage.

Ladies, it’s the 21st century. You don’t have to wait for a guy to give you his class ring before you can go steady, and you sure as hell don’t have to wait for him to text you first. Shoot him a text. Assert your womanly ways.

No guy will complain about being the booty call. In fact, some men might even welcome it. Image

In Beyonce’s song, “Flawless” she features quotes by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (how the fuck do you pronounce that?!) who said, “We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller…we teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are.”

Well if every woman listened to these rules, Chelsea Handler wouldn’t have a career and pornography would cease to exist.

Women, ladies, people with boobs (not man boobs, obvi. #Moobs): We should be able to express our sexuality and embrace it!

This doesn’t mean we have to go burning our bras or tying ourselves to trees or whatever it is those passionate activists did, but we should constantly remind ourselves, and remind others, that feminism is a good thing.

We should remember that feminists aren’t calling for women to be MORE powerful than men, but for equal power. Remember, sperm would be nothing without the egg, and the good ‘ol Pen15 would be pretty lonely without the vajeans.

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It really sucks that even today women still can’t be the CEO or the boss without being thought of as a bitch. If a man boss were to do the same things as a “bitchy” female boss, most would view him as a cut-throat-yet-passionate leader and person of envy.

This just doesn’t seem fair.

Like, sorry you’re bitter that a woman was promoted above you, but like, there was a reason for that. Can’t we live in a world where it is sexy for a woman to be in charge, and not just in dominatrix movies? Can’t we be proud of a female CEO instead of angry. Can’t we finally accept that women who wear pant-suits can still be feminine? (Though penny-loafers is pushing it….)

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I would be crazy not to be a feminist because that would go against everything I write about. Feminism allows for women to be heard and without feminists, my blog would probably be illegal. #ImABadAssMoFo

Guys, you can still be “the man” in a relationship with a feminist.

You can still assert your masculinity and be our strong muscle men who can reach the top shelf of the pantry and kill spiders for us. We like that. But respect us, learn from us, and let us take the reigns WITH you. If men AND women can accept that feminism is a positive thing, than we can finally live in a world where women can hold power positions without being labeled as a bitch, and men can get off their asses and make themselves a sandwich.

This post is dedicated to RG—an inspiring young woman who goes braless cause she can 😉 Image

Fall Finals Over and Done, Winter Break Here We Come

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After reading every Buzzfeed article ever, taking Addy like it’s our job, eating like the women from Mauritania, and I guess studying a little, we have survived our college finals! #FINALly

Finals are a time when everyone hates their lives. The library is hoppin’ and the smart people in your classes that you have never talked to before are suddenly your best friends (maybe even in your new favorites on Snapchat because like, you really want their study guides).

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Finals either bring people together, or tear them apart.

You will bond with peers in your class while studying, complain about how much you hate your professor, and pull all-nighters together.

Also, many times I find people use finals as a flirting device. Oh, well hello hot boy in my class! Do you want to study with me later for our test? It works every time.

And for the other way around, it works with the hot girl in your class too. Study dates are key to a girl’s heart. Seriously. When a girl sees that you want to study with her, she will think it’s super cute.

Her thought process: you care about your grades (so like, Morgan Stanley here you come,) you want to hang out with her in a setting that doesn’t involve alcohol, and you want to hang out in sweats and no makeup (“He thinks I’m beautiful!”)

Study dates are super cute and simultaneously super productive. (Unless you spend the whole time making out, in which case you will probably get a low score on your test but like, at least you scored!)

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But, finals can also really fuck up relationships. It’s no secret that finals are a stressful time. Stress, mixed with high doses of Vyvanse, is a recipe for disaster, or at least extreme cases of bitchiness.

Friends get annoyed at each other a lot more than usual during this time, which totally sucks for me because at a time of the year when everyone savors silence, I never shut the fuck up and tend to piss people off.

But like whatever, I’m fun and interesting and you’re boring and quiet and all stoic and whatnot. However, one must remember that this will only last until finals are over, which is now for me so WOOOO yay friends!!

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Relationships between boys and girls also seem to get a little rocky at this time. For one thing, you have no time for each other, which always stirs up drama. But also, priorities!

Chances are, you won’t marry the guy you are seeing now, so in the long run it’s more important to focus on your studies because THAT is what is essential for your future.

Also, because it is right before winter break, there is this tension that’s like, “should we stay together during that month of not seeing each other? Or should we break up so I can get laid by girls I went to high school with and have blossomed since senior year?” (Pshh…good luck with that.)

Decisions, decisions.

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Winter break is also super awk because everyone ends finals at different times, so you don’t really get to say goodbye to everyone, and everything is kind of just left airplane style (up in the air).

But, like I said, finals are over! (pause for celebratory tequila shot.)

However, this means that the work is just beginning.

Applying for jobs, internships, study abroad programs, and maybe taking some online courses to bump your cumulative are in your near future.

Vacation? HA! More like NOcation! (GOT EMMM)

So winter break, you never exceed my expectations (minus the fact that I get to see my dog when I go home! Shout out to Lily Bear—stop being so cute!!) because you usually just stress me out even more.

Luckily there are some things to look forward to for the spring semester (or the spring Ovester as the lesbian chick from Legally Blonde would call it because of the semen versus ovary thang!)

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Exciting Spring Things: spring rush, warm weather, chillin’ on the quad, friends coming back from studying abroad, frat formals, and sundresses. YAY!

See, I like to look at things glass-half-full (Unless its my wine glass, in which case its half-empty and I need a re-fill biznatchhh)

HAPPY WINTER BREAK AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!

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Bringing Sexy Back (To School)

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To all of my avid readers and fans (since I’m like, a super famous blogger) I sincerely apologize for falling off the face of the earth this summer. I was stuck in the camp bubble as a counselor. (YAY for getting paid 2 cents an hour!!) But have no fear you crazy college kids. I’m back and I’m here to stay! (pause for applause and confetti and random Hawaiian people swallowing fire. WOOOO!)

Summer is an interesting time for college kids. It’s like this weird three-month gap where you are away from your friends who you literally spent every single minute with during the year (minus class time where you were just texting them behind your open Mac book pro…and don’t deny it.) Then, all of a sudden, you are ripped away from your best friends, sorority sisters, boyfriend or hook-up buddy, and find yourself back where you came from: home. Well fuck.

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Literally, to those of you who love your high school friends, good for you. But for the most part, high school friends were forced upon us by social status, money, and how good you were at sports.

The whole social climbing aspect of high school literally makes me want to vom. People tried so hard to be cool. As the bus driver in Billy Madison said, “I know from experience dude.” Like who was REALLY themselves in high school? Not me. Even that weird girl who wore clothing from the renaissance era wasn’t being herself, she was totally just trying to get attention…and she was fuckin weird.

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Here’s what I think. If you miss your high school friends, then you’re doing something wrong in college. Maybe you just peeked in high school because you were in the right friend group and then you got to college and people realized how much you suck. Well that’s karma, because you were probably a bitch.

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Now that I completed my A.D.D. rant about high school sucking ass, I want to get back on the subject of the weirdness of coming back to school after summahhh.

As many can tell from my post on Freshman year, the first year of college can be pretty freakin nuts. You are literally a chicken walking around with your head cut off, just cluckin (or fuckin) around. Clueless? Yes. Mistakes made? Yes. But we take those three months off to reflect on those black out nights and hang over mornings and realize that we learned something.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, you actually learn something when you go to college. Tuition? Worth it. Here are the two things that I learned from last year: 1) Freud was a semi-misogynistic man that I weirdly found attractive since he was totally brill and could do all that phsychoANALisis shit (haha to the capitalized letters) and 2) once you know what your doing, college is SO much easier.

I kid you not, every girl I knew who was having boy issues last year experienced a full on Jay-Z-esque moment of clarity and realized that they deserved so much better. They came back with more respect for themselves, and a strong head on their shoulders. Sorry guys, it’s not gonna be as easy as last year.

I also came to the conclusion that guys are super lucky girls like to get shit faced out of their minds when they come to college, because if they were sober, these dudes would definitely not be getting as much taco for their meat. Like seriously, when they’re drunk, they have so much confidence and game, and then you talk to them sober and they are literally a blank slate with flirtation skills of a 7th grader. Like, be interesting during the daytime too hombre!

Another thing I realized? As much as you want to, do NOT waste your time on Netflix like I did when I watched all 10 million seasons of Gossip girl. (Like it was so bad, but I just HAD to know what happened next. #guiltypleasure) Get out and do shit. Go to a museum. Try new restaurants. Get lost in a park. Don’t just sleep off a hangover all Saturday, because after college, you have to do responsible things in the real world, and you wont have time to experience all the things offered in these great college towns.

A reflection of parting was also made by most over the summer. We know our limits now. We know not to take that one shot that will set you spinning over the edge, or puking all over the floor. We know that other people are watching, especially Freshman, so we must set a good example for them. Show them that guess what, it’s NOT a good idea to walk around in just a bra and thong at a frat party. Can we say SLOOT ALERT? Party with your class out, and not with your ass out. Am I right ladies? Am I right?!

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On the subject of school, now I know how things work here. I know what to read and highlight and what to skim, I know what professors to take and who to avoid, and above all, I know how to take a book out of the library! (For some reason I was super scared to get books from the lib last year and avoided it at all costs until it was required for one of my classes to check out a book. Totally did it, but I accidentally spilled Gatorade all over the book and tried to return it and they were like “why is this sticky?” (That’s what she said) I was all like “Oh! I have NO idea how that happened! I think it was already damaged!” but they didn’t believe me and made me buy a new book, but whatever. Ya live and learn.)

Chenyway. Summer was a time to reflect, and everyone came back a little changed, and frankly a little hotter (like whoa, guys buffed up, girls toned up. Zayum!) That three-month gap was completely necessary. We all needed to readjust and remember each other’s sense of humors and annoying things our friends do that we learned to ignore last semester. We learn that the stupid shit we put up with and dealt with was so absurd, and we learned that it is time for a change. Obama, ya feel me dawg? 

Freshman Fuck Up 101: What I Learned From Freshman Year

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4 all-nighters, 2 essays, 3 exams, and 100 mgs of Adderall later, second semester has come to a close, which means that I survived my freshman year of college. So naturally, I must blog about it.  I have learned a lot this year, and I have really grown as a person (as apposed to as a llama.) I have learned many things in college, but I’m not talking about all that contructivism vs. classical realism shit or like the difference between a period and a semi-colon, (ew, colon…) but I’m talking about how to have fun. Here’s the thing. In high school, we thought we were partying hard, but guess what, that was nothing. We were tipsy at best. Here is the breakdown of what I really learned my freshman year, and yeah, you might wanna take notes.

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All right, so I pride myself in being “vomit free since ‘93” as Ted Mosby says on How I Met Your Mother, because I have never vom’d from drinking. However, the last night I went out my freshman year, I went to a lovely Cinco De Drinko party. Now, I’m not saying I did this, but let’s just say this girl named Shmeah drank an entire bottle of wine, took two tequila shots, played several rounds of flip cup with jungle juice, and then proceeded to drink a strange concoction of beer and mystery liquor. Well, Shmeah was no longer vomit free by the end of the night, and the second half of the night was black out central. Now, from this story one can learn the lesson that mixing alcohol is very bad. Well to you I say, BULL SHIT! You wanna have a good time? Mix away! So you feel like shit in the morning? It’s worth it. You want to be lamesauce and drink cranberry vodkas all night? Be my guest (like Bell!) but you definitely wont be having a night as fun as Shmeah did. Just make sure you don’t have too much. I suggest a bottle of wine with some tequila shots and stopping there, unless you’re like, a total frat star and drink handles for breakfast.

While we are on the topic of jungle juice, I want to discuss that I have learned that this heavenly drizzank is my favorite go to. Many leave freshman year with the idea that they should stay away from the jungle juice, since there’s this trend of spiking it with cough syrup or codeine.  Well, I have found that this addition only makes things that more fun! Do I sound dumb? Maybe so, but whatever. It’s a good time, and you should too. (That didn’t make sense but it sounded kinda like an expression so I wanted to use it.) But like actually, let me be clear, (or Everclear if ya know what I mean) this drink is great. It’s cheap, abundant, and doesn’t burn going down, making it the ultimate drink of my freshman year. Fun fact, the drink get’s its name because it gets you so slizzered you start acting like a wild animal. So like fill up your cup, and get fucked up.

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I’m now going to touch upon something a little controversial, and that is Greek life. You know when you went on a million college tours when you were a senior in high school and the tour guides always told you that there is Greek life, but it’s not that big and you can have fun with out being in a sorority or fraternity? Well this is a lie. The life of a GDI is not the life to live in college. Sure, you can join a bunch of clubs and have more time to do homework, but if you actually want to have a good time, go Greek or go home. Greek life has a bad rep. People think it’s all about partying and hazing and all that shit. But take it from a former pledge, Greek life is not about that at all. It’s about being with people that share the same morals and ideals. It’s about philanthropy, and giving back. It’s about maintaining good grades, and learning from each other. But as a cherry on top, it makes your social life fucking fantastic!  Plus you get like, so many likes on your profile pictures #popular My first semester of freshman year was amazing, but joining a sorority made it that much better, and I strongly urge incoming freshman to rush.  Oh, and trust the system. “You may think you like [a sorority,] but you could be wrong”- Gretchen Wieners.

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Moving on. You want a boyfriend? Don’t. Freshman guys are not interested in relationships, and you shouldn’t be either. Take Freshman year to focus on you. Discover what kinds of boys you like, because your high school taste is way different from your college taste. Experiment, and slut it up a little bit. Fuck the double standard, and do what you want. Don’t go looking for a relationship, because you’ll just end up disappointed, or stuck with a guy who you aren’t really into. Don’t settle. Kiss a lot of boys, go on a few dates, but leave the commitment for Junior or senior year. Ain’t nobody got time for the boyf! Be selfish. You do you. (and some hot guys if ya know what I mean.)

Money management is another thing I have learned during my freshman year. You may think your rich at the beginning of the year with a whopping $300 in your savings account, but that is not going to last you unless you remember what I am about to tell you. Girls don’t pay for boos and weed. It’s as simple as that. You go to a bar? There better not be a cover charge, because you like, know the bouncer or are tight with a promoter. Pay for drinks? Ah HELL NAHH. That’s what flirting is for. Frat parties, the boos are obvi free so that’s always an option. And for those stoner chicks, just get in on one of your guy friend’s splifs, because he’s willing to share. This might sound like an annoying thing for a girl to say, but on closer examination I realized that although guys throw down tons of money on girls, girls throw down just as much or more, to make themselves look good FOR the guys. Make up, hair products, clothing, shoes, handbags, jewelry, lingerie, and oh yeah, birth control. All of this adds up to even more money than what guys spend on us, so really, I’d call it even. Or Evan as my drunk friend accidentally said. (love you SMD)

At my college, there is a thing called Freshman Forgiveness, where if you fail a class freshman year, the school lets you retake the course the following year, and the failure won’t effect your GPA. There is also an unspoken Freshman Forgiveness when it comes to failing at life during freshman year. The BIGGEST thing I can take from my freshman year, is that freshman year is the year to fuck up. This is the year when you can get absolutely hammered and undeniably belig and do a million stupid embarrassing things and no one can get mad at you, because the upper classmen did the same stupid things when they were freshman. Freshman are clueless, and have no idea what is going on, so the solution is to get sloshed and sloppy, so there is no awkwardness with strangers. If this leads to smashing your face on the pavement, vomiting on a shuttle bus, flashing your V, or sucking face with the weird kid that ties a sweatshirt around his waist to a frat party, so be it. All is forgotten, and no one can judge. #FreshmanFoul

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Freshman year was the time of my life! Being a freshman girl is the equivalent to being a senior guy, because everyone wants a piece of you. You are new, and everything is exciting! I learned, I laughed, I loved, and I vom’d. I cannot wait till summer ends so I can finally be with my best friends again, and totally pretend to be a freshman girl to get the scoop on all the newbs. #WelcomeWeek

P.S. the freshman 15 does exist! You’ve been warned.

P.P.S. Don’t be a frat rat and/or Biddie. Be chill and have a good time. #YOFO (You Only Freshman Once…unless you fail but like, thats embarrassing so don’t.)

P.P.P.S. Real talk: This column is written to reflect what I have observed during my freshman year, not just my own experiences. I write this as an opinion, but also a warning. It is no secret that there is partying in college, but it is up to you to be responsible. College is for experimentation, but don’t be an idiot. Grades come first, no matter what. Learn your shit since your parents are paying like their entire life savings on your education, and you want to be classy when you grow up and know things like the difference between Manet and Monet. If you have that under control, then you can get to all the fun discussed above. (Also, only pop the addy if you’re prescribed.) #PartyResponsibly

Lulu’s a Bitch: The App that Annoys the 6.5 Boys

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If you haven’t heard of the free iPhone app Lulu, then you live under a rock. (LOL guess what rhymes with rock…SOCK!) Actually not really because I just found out about it a few days ago, but needless to say, you should know about it. The app is incredibly entertaining. You press all these things that gives Lulu the ok to access all of your Facebook information (I never know if I can trust that but whatevs) and then it allows you to rate guys on a scale of one to ten. At first I thought the app was kind of dumb, but now  I cant stop! I have yet to actually rate any boys, but viewing them sure is fun.

How the rating works? First you select your relationship to the guy. Is he your ex-boyfriend? Crush? Hook up? Friend? Relative? Are you together? Select your relationship status, and then answer the next juicy question; how are his looks? This is important, because most girls are shallow and believe that a guys looks are more important than his personality. To all of those girls who are like that, you are the girl who will end up alone because you are too picky, or really unhappy because you chose to be with a hot guy who has a personality that is either so boring it could put a coked out Red Bull addict to sleep, or is such a douche bag, he could metaphysically give an entire town’s  female population a sparkling clean vag. graphic but true. Sorry if you vomed a lil bit.

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After rating his looks, you move on to what I find more important; his personality. The options are a bit limited, but it covers all the basics. If he funny? how are his manners? Is he ambitious? Will he commit?

The next step is hashtagging. Since I freekin LOVE hashtags, #LoveHashtags, this is my favorite part of the app. First are the positive hashtags. Examples: #experienced… #HasADog, #Manscaped, #4.0GPA, #Big.Feet., #SmellsAmazeballs, #sexualPanther, and so on. After that, you select the negative hashtags. Examples of this include: #QuestionableSearchHistory, #TotalF***ingDickhead, #WearsEdHardy, #PlaysDidgeridoo, #OwnsCrocs, #WanderingEye, #Can’tBuildIkeaFurniture, and more.

Many criticize Lulu for being inaccurate. In some cases yes, the ratings are a little off, but the hashtags are usually spot on. For example, I was checking a rating of this guy who totally screwed my friend over and he received a hashtag of #FuckedMeAndChuckedMe. This described exactly what he did, and I don’t see it as a problem for others to know the douchey things that guys do.

I have heard of some guys complaining about their low ratings on Lulu, asking questions like “why do I only have a 6.5 when [insert hotter/smarter/nicer guys name here] has an 8.2?” The thing is, is most girls will rate in a really negative way when the guy did something to upset her, and will rate in a nice way if the guy is a good friend or treated her well. This may seem bias, but that is the point of Lulu. You received a bad rating because you did something to make her not like you, so it makes sense that you deserve a bad score.

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Guys also sometimes like to steal their girl friend’s phone and self-rate themselves. Like dude, if you really want to get good ratings, step up your game, act like a mensch, and maybe shower once in a while, because girls like when guys smell like something other than sweat and weed.

I like to use Lulu ratings in daily conversation. Just the other day I was talking to a group of people and telling them about my friend’s weekend. I explained that my friend was hammered and then proceeded to make out with an 8.8! My audience then understood that he was quite a catch.

The App is a bit limited as you cannot write in your own hashtags, but the app does a great job at summarizing all of the ratings into one sentence that describes all of the comments you selected, like “His kisses are like passion bombs” or “He’d be a totally faithful boyfriend.”

Now, lets talk about the double standard, or as I like to call it, the dooble stoondard (haha, dooble stoondard is funny…) I realized that as fun as Lulu is, if there was an App where guys could rate girls, there would be total chaos. I would be soooo against it. Like, its so horrible to rate a girl for her looks! How wrong! Guys might be thinking wait, why is it fair for girls to rate guys but not for guys to rate girls? The answer is it’s not fair, and life’s not fair. In the words of Lil’ Kim, “The guy gets all the glory the more he can score, while the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore.” In other words, there are dooble stoonderds with everything and guys are just gonna have to suck this one up. Society deems it ok for girls to rate guys and mean for guys to rate girls. Just stick to shit talking girls on your frat list serves…like, we know you aren’t just discussing philanthropy…