HAPPY FATHER’S DAY: You’re The Best

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(I would like to preface this blog post by warning all fathers reading this to not venture on to read my other blog posts, because they reveal things about your college-age daughters that you would not want to know…trust me…however, all fathers SHOULD read THIS blog post!!)

As the youngest of my father’s daughters, it is true that I am my father’s FAVORITE youngest daughter, and so I find it is only appropriate to write a blog about Father’s Day! YAY!

DEAR DADS,

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! There are legitimately so many reasons why fathers deserve an entire day devoted to honoring them. Let’s not forget that without these dudes, we wouldn’t exist! And so, they really deserve a whole week! But like, ain’t nobody got time for that.

Dad, Padre, Abba, Haakoro; whatever I call you, I want you to know that you are my superman (and not just because you have a really strong cleft chin). You are completely brilliant, you work tirelessly to provide for your AWESOME fam, you believe in your children, and you carry in your heart an amount of love SO large, I don’t even know what to do with it. Like, I can’t even.

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A squeeze on the shoulder, a kiss on the cheek, a text message of random emojis that show up as a bunch of squares because you don’t have an iPhone…these are all small ways you share your love, and I cherish every moment.

Here are 5 reasons why we LOVE our Dads, and why they deserve to have the most amazing Father’s Day EVER!

1. The Best Shopping Buddies: Dads are the best people to go shopping with, but not clothing shopping…GROCERY shopping! I’m serious. Moms are all about things like health bread and sorbet with flax seeds, but dads want to buy us things that are DELICIOUS, like Coffee Health Bar Crunch ice cream and potato chips.

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They’re also the ones that let us buy soda! So yes, maybe our hearts won’t thank us later when they’re filled with clogs, but for now, they are filled with our fathers’ love!

2. The Best Jokesters: Ahhh Yes, the “Daddy Jokes.” They are the corny jokes our fathers make on a daily basis that you roll your eyes at AND laugh at because even though they are offensively stupid sometimes, we cannot deny that they are also extremely funny!

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Literally, if you told your dad he was a cheesey punster, he may respond with something like, “oh, you mean I’m Munster?” at which you would try not to giggle, and fail miserably. These daddy jokes are witty, clever, and timeless, and so we LOVE our dads for their sense of humor (which we will all regrettably inherit.) #LameParentJokes

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3. The Best Fixer-Upper: As I scanned all the hallmark cards in CVS, I realized that apparently it’s a super typical thing that dads are handy men and fix all the broken things around the house.

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Now, I’m pretty sure the last time my dad touched the toolbox he ended up almost needing stitches, but that’s not to say he doesn’t fix other things. Yes, most fathers fix what is broken in the household, but fathers also fix other, more important broken things. They fix problems. They are the ones to call the school when there is an inaccurate charge on the bill. They are the ones to look all around the house for your lost earring (without telling you they are looking) because they don’t want you to be sad any more. They are the ones that proof read your resume to make sure that everything is perfect. They are handy, and helpful, and a human version of WD-40, which can literally fix anything. You go Dad!

4. The Best Good Cop: Dads are always the good cop in the good cop-bad cop scenario. “Mom, can I have a piece of candy?” “No.” “Dad, can I have a piece of candy?” “Sure honey, grab me one too!” …Literally, Dads are always the good guy. In fights, though they side with mom, or “the boss/Jeffe” as my dad calls her, they still manage to seem like they are on your side. (Side note, this is not to say that the mom is always the bad cop, but like, this IS a Father’s Day post so just let him have this one, ya feel?)

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Maybe it’s their stealthy strategy of staying as quiet as possible, but you just can’t get mad at ‘ol pops. Even when he’s not on your side, he’s still on your side, and that’s why we love em.

5. The Best Role Model: Dads bring home the bacon (or turkey bacon if you’re totally Kosh!) and work all day, giving it their all. They also present themselves well. My dad, though he probably doesn’t know it, is a supah classy guy.

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He knows art, he respects the ballet, he understands which ties are stylish and what cigars to smoke and what wine to drink (after proper aeration of the tannins of course #Wine-ing). He is educated and keeps up with the news by reading the paper instead of just scrolling through twitter. Dads know it all and do it all, and though their stress levels are what let the massage industry thrive, they complain rarely, and still come home with a smile at the end of the day. Like MY dad, fathers are supermen, and they are people to look up to and aspire to be like.

So Daddy, I love you thiiiiiiiiiis much (picture me holding my arms outstretched as far as I can, Michael Jordan Nike Wings poster-style) and I truly hope you understand that not only today do I want you to know that I love you, but that every day I love you more and more, and look up to you (and not just because you’re taller.)

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Though I inherited your never-failing ability to burn yourself on the oven, your restless leg syndrome, and your wide feet, I truly hope I also inherit HALF of the amazing qualities that make you, you, because your heart is warm, your morals are sound, and your love is unmatchable and invaluable.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO YOU AND TO ALL FATHERS!! You deserve it, and much MUCH more!

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P.S., thanks for also giving me my long eye-lashes…those things will get me places 🙂

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HAPPY LOVE DAY: The Mushiest Post I Will Ever Write

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OK. So I have an announcement for all those depressed singletons out there who hate on V-day. Today is not a day for couples. Like, what? Could the court reporter please restate that last statement?

Yes. Today is not a day for couples.

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Sure, Valentines Day is a day where girlfriends expect their boyfriends to take them to lavish dinners and scatter rose petals all over the bedroom and buy them giant teddy bears and expensive chocolates. Now I’m not going to lie. All of that is super cuticle. No girl would hate it (even the one’s that aren’t into mushy things.) But for me, I never viewed today as that stereotypical Hallmark holiday.

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I want to revolutionize what February 14th really means. Am I being dramatic? Who the fuck cares. I’m thinkin big! I’m fuckin’ WILD!

Anyway. Today is a day to reflect on love. HAPPY LOVE REFLECTION DAY!

Think about your significant other and how much you love him or her, and how much she or he loves you.

But also think about all the other loves of your life.

Think about your mom and dad and how much love they have for you. Think about the little things they told you like, “I love you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow,’ and the “kissy attacks” and raspberries you received from the rents when you were little.

Think about the love between you and your siblings. Reflect on those times when you literally wanted to rip each other’s throats out during those long-ass car rides but then 10 minutes later you were all laughing again, as if nothing happened, because love can do that. Love allows you to look past the little things, resolve conflicts in life, and forgive and forget so you can move on to the good stuff.

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Think about your best friends and how much they mean to you. Think about those times you were up till 6 in the morning, literally (like literally, not figuratively but seriously) peeing your pants from laughing so much (and drinking too much?). Think about that time your friend constantly nagged you and forced you to do your schoolwork because she or he knew your grades were slipping, and wanted the best for you. Or that time when your friend came to your bad choir concert on a Friday night, just because she knew how much it would mean to you. These gestures are pure love, and today is the day to remember that.

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But today is also the day to remember those people out there who don’t have a lot of love in their lives. I am extremely blessed. It seems like everywhere I turn in my life, there is someone who loves me and takes care of me. I used to think it was because I loved them all back.

But there are people out there that give so much love and get nothing in return. There are those sons and daughters out there that have never been hugged by a parent, or told how much they are loved.

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There are people out there that don’t have close friends. They have their work friends or school friends, but they would never hang out in other settings, and they sure as hell would never call them if they needed a snuggle sesh.

There are those men and women who are 80 years old who have hearts full of love and no one to give it to, because just out of bad luck, they never stumbled upon the right match.

My heart goes out to those who are missing love in their lives, because love is a beautiful, wonderful, magical thing. It is more powerful than medicine and more valuable than gold. Fuck, if love were a public company, I’d buy 1 million shares, because that stock would sky rocket straight through heaven every fuckin day.

So I strongly urge you to take today and reflect on the love that you do have and how lucky you are. Sure, you can spend today sulking and drinking a bottle of wine by yourself and eating boxes of chocolate you purchased for yourself, or get together with a group of your girlfriends and complain and bitch about how there are no men out there and how lonely you are. Or you can just remember all the love that you DO have in your life and celebrate love and all that it means to you.

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So really, please, I mean this with the utmost sincerity, have a happy Valentine’s Day!

LOVE AND KISSES TO EVERYONE OUT THERE!  XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY TWIN: A Short Post

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Breakin hearts since ’93

I would just like to start off by saying that every year, on December 17, it is not my very own special day. I do not get to be the center of attention, and I do not have the final say on whether or not we are doing Italian or Asian food for the birthday dinner. Why? Because I am a twin, and I must share my birthday with my brother (not to mention our birthday falls right around the holiday season so our birthday is typically also celebrated at the same time as Christmas and Chanukah, meaning the presents are usually combined as well.)

However, even though I do not get to be the complete Birthday Princess I long to be, I much prefer what I have now—the most amazing and incredible twin brother a gal could have.

Now, William (or Squilliam as the fam calls him) is a one-in-a-million kinda guy. This blog post will not even begin to depict how incredible this guy is, but I’m gonna try. This kid is so freakin full of love it should be illegal. Like, call the cops.  He cares so much about making everyone happy, and though he is stubborn as fuck and refuses to ever lose an argument even when he’s wrong (I see a potential law career in your future) I can still always tell that he is filled with guilt whenever he does the wrong thing.

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He is so smart, and without him, I would have never passed any of my science classes…or math classes…or history classes…fuck, I would never have graduated!

But seriously, this kid was the only person who could sit down with me for 8 hours (literally) and teach me an entire curriculum in a way that I would understand it (like drawing out pictures for idiots.) But seriously, his patience with me was unreal, even though most study sessions would end with him yelling at me or laughing sarcastically and me in tears. However, I know it was all out of love.

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Who’s Kevin???

Willy is also protective. If he ever heard anyone say anything about me he would hate them and be mean to them. One time when we were probably in 6th grade, some boys made a comment about my bra size and he told me to stay away from them and he didn’t talk to them for like, days. If that’s not brotherly love, I don’t know what is. #brotherlylove #Iknowwhatitis

Our closeness is very interesting. Because he is a boy and I am a girl, some conversation topics are just off limits. However, as we have grown up, we have come to using stealthy phrases like “Yeah this one girl who I ‘dated’…” in order to discuss our weekend adventures. However, everything else we share like we are water straight out of the faucet—unfiltered.

We are each other’s best audience as we laugh at each other’s jokes no matter what.  We quote movies together on the regs, testing each other to see who knows more Mean Girls quotes (Thank God its me though…) And we make a great team. By that I mean that together we join up and gang up on other people. Together we are unstoppable, and un-crossable. Getting in between our twinniness is one road that should never be taken (even for you, Robby Frost.) Also, shout out to Brian The Box Head, we still feel bad about that…

So Will, you probably hate that I’m blogging about you and being kind of cute, but I love you so much and it fills my heart with so much happiness whenever I think about how lucky I am to have such an amazing twin brother. There is no one else in the world I would have rather shared the womb with (although it wouldn’t have killed ya to share some of the nutrients, ya know? #YouAreTheReasonINeededAFeedingTubeYaBitch)

But seriously, have a  happy birthday Bro. You deserve it!

P.S. to any of Will’s good-looking single friends who are planning on having a super successful job when you graduate college, hit me up 😉 #PerksOfHavingAMaleTwin

P.P.S. I only said that to make Will mad. Mission accomplished. I take my P.S. back. (no I don’t…)

P.P.P.S. Only one more year until the FUN Birthday that actually matters!! #21Shots

P.P.P.P.S You’re a fat loser and you have body odor!

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LOVE YA!!! ❤

Hey Mom, You da BOMB: 5 Reasons We Celebrate Mother’s Day

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Flowers, breakfast in bed, Snoopy cards, and many failed attempts at functional family photos? It must be Mothers Day! Here are 5 reasons why I love my mom.

  1. Mother Always Knows Best: Ok, so I don’t know if this happens to anyone else, but sometimes I’ll go outside and my mom tells me to bring a jacket, and I’m all like, no I’ll be fine I’m not cold, and then I’m outside for a few minutes and I realize I’m freezing, but I have to pretend like I’m not cold because I’m stubborn and so she doesn’t know that she was right. Well, guess what mom, you were right. I totally should have listened to you. It’s things like these that moms always know. They know when we should wear our jacket, they know when we’ve had enough ice cream to eat (Haagen-Dazs for the plain flavors and Ben & Jerry’s for the exciting flavors of course,) and they know when heels are too high and are gonna be uncomfortable to walk in even though my feet were totes fine the two minutes I walked in them in the store. So thank you mom, for always knowing. We know you’re always right, even if we don’t want to admit it.
  2. Mothers Are Your Own Worst Critic: Abraham Lincoln (who I think is pretty hot which is weird but like hey, I like em tall) once said, “(S)he has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help.” Well, moms are always DTC (down to criticize) and they definitely are always down to help you fix the problem. As annoying as this may be, I love my mom for this. She tells me when my skirt is too short, and at first I get mad because I was totally going for the slutty-yet-classy look, but when she points out its shortness, I become aware that it wasn’t classy after all. She will tell me if a sentence sounds bad in an essay, and maybe I don’t want to listen because I’m an arrogant writer and think that everything I write is genius, but when it comes down to it, her suggestions are usually really great. Moms are also there to tell you if you need to wax your mustache because you are starting to look like the bearded lady, or tell you you need to fix your hair because the crimped look went out of style before people could realize it was never cool. My mother is definitely a critic, but I can’t hate her for it, because in the end she is only trying to help, and help she does. (and also its not like she is super mean about it like that scary food critic in Ratatouille, Anton Ego, who I don’t actually hate because he becomes all happy in the end of the movie after practically having a foodgasm from the ratatouille the rat makes…totally realistic by the way.)
  3. Mothers Know Random Shit: This is so freaking true that moms know all this totally random information from all their life experience and I’m always like who knows this stuff? Well the answer is our mothers. We go on a drive and I point out some flowers that are pretty. “Oh, those are wisteria flowers” she says. (yeah, you thought I wasn’t listening but I was, malm.) I point out a cute puppy walking by. “Oh, that’s a Bichon,” she tells me. (more like a leash-on, as in you should keep a leash on THAT dog because it is uuuuggglyy!! Ooooo Burn!!…sorry. #UnnecessaryTangent) Anyway, mothers know all these random facts, that I would never learn without her, and I am so thankful for that. (How else would I know the difference between white, cream, ivory, Eggshell, and ecru. Thank goodness I know now, FEWF!)
  4.   Hot Mom Genes (see what I did there? Like Mom Jeans? Get it? Get it?): So like basically, I am extremely thankful for my mom’s amazing good looks, because without them, my siblings and I wouldn’t be so damn attractive! The high cheekbones, the good eyebrows, the flawless smile, and so on, are all thanks to you. For those of you who don’t have a milf of a mother, I hope for your sake your dad’s a hottie (but not the type that screws the nanny because then he’d be a home wrecker.) For those of you with ugly parents, I’m sorry, you’re out of luck, but they are making extraordinary advances in the plastic surgery field so keep your head up, (even if you have to cover it with a brown paper bag until your face gets reconstructed) because there’ still hope! Anyway, thank you mom for being so beautiful, inside and out!  Call someone with oven mitts because you HOT!! Zayummnn
  5. She Loves You Yeah, Yeah, Yeah: The greatest thing about my mother is that she supplies me with an infinite amount of love, that I am so grateful for, and I feel so blessed to have that. On a serious note, (and not a high-pitched note because that would be really annoying) there are some children out there that never hear from their mother that they are loved. Well, every day you have told me that you loved me without fail. You ask me if I know how much you love me, and you stretch out your arms as wide as they go and tell me “thiiiiiiiis much!” Mothers are there to love their children and take care of them and be there for them no matter what, and mom, you do just that. You love me so much, and I love you that much back, and then some. (I always wanted to say “and them some”…I think it makes me sound mature. YAY!)

Happy Mothers Day to all the amazing moms out there! It’s totally not just a day for Hallmark to make some serious greenery. You deserve way more than one day of recognition for all that you do, but since you only get today, take advantage of the pampering you receive, the family time you get, and the laughs you receive when you tell your jokes, because chances are, they weren’t that funny, but we have to laugh, because it’s your special day 🙂 LOVE YOU MOM ❤

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Girl “Bromances”: Lesbihonest

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Everyone likes to talk about the “bromance” but the same loving relationship exists among women as well. I can say with full confidence that I am in a serious relationship with at least ten girls right now. In fact, if there was a Facebook status for what I have with my best girl friends, it would be “In a Re-gay-tionship.” These girls are my best friends, and though things never actually get too lezzy, we still do (b)romance-y things.

For one thing, my best girl friends and I are always on top of each other. It’s what we do. We don’t just cuddle, and we do more than just spoon. We actually lay on top of each other, and straddle each other with our legs, and our friendship. These intimate moments of snuggling are some of the most important moments in a friendship between two girls, because these are the times when we can just say whatever, and be ourselves. #venting #shittalk

Another lady-love thing we do is text each other all the time. We text each other when we are apart for like a whole class period, saying things like “I miss you” and “ILY” and “<333333.” We text each other constantly, sharing our inner most thoughts and deepest feelings. We also however, share normal every day stuff like “I just ate 2 bags of Smart Food Popcorn.” or “I just went to the tanning salon. #burntnipples.” This constant texting is a kin to the texting one does with her significant other, except that girl-on-girl texting is more fun because you can say inappropriate things and type out things like “8====D,” just for shits and gigs. (It’s obviously a smiley face with a big nose. DUH!)

One of the super re-gay-tionship-y things that all girls do is play with each other’s boobalas. It’s not a thing that we get turned on by or anything, but it is legitimately just a grand ol’ time. I mean, it’s all like “I shall name you squishy, and you shall be mine.” It’s not at all like we’re feelings each other up. 2nd base is solely reserved for the men in our lives (and Robinson Cano on the Yankees…also I just had to Google who the 2nd baseman for the Yankees was in order to make that joke. No shame.) But instead, we poke and push, just to get a feel of those fleshy, mountainous, piles of boobage. Accidental boob graze? No such thing. It’s always on purpose. (or on “porpoise” in aquatic terms.)

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I made that joke on PORPOISE #puns 

All girls in a bromance, or in feminine conjugation, a “bra-mance” (yeah I just coined that term. Go Leah!) also shower together. Camp friends, and college friends understand this concept extremely well. Showering together is NBD, no sweat, a whole lotta nothin, and no problemo. It is more efficient because instead of waiting for a shower to open up, you can both just shower together so there is no opportunity cost #OnlyMacroIKnow. It is also better for the environment, because it uses less water, so the atmosphere and our nations future and Mother Nature, can just thank girls for like, sustaining the earth and fresh water and what not. It’s great because we can sing lots of throwback songs, and make soapy Mohawks in our hair, and get clean, all at the same time, and The whole “being naked” thing is irrelevant between girlfriends, because we are all so comfortable with each other!

It’s not that we love each other in a “she wants the V” kind of way, but we do love each other in a “I-don’t-know-how-I-could-survive-without-you” kind of way. Maybe these girls aren’t just my lezzy friends who occasionally participate in drunk make out sessions (#college, ) and they aren’t just my bra-mances or my “girl crushes” either. They are my soul mates. These are the girls that will live forever and always in my heart…but not in my pants. #Lesbihonest

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A short post about the Birthday Girl (aka my amaz-ballz seeester!)

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So today is a very important day. Today, March 12th, marks the day of my sister’s Birthday!! Susie, or Shrew as I have cleverly knick-named her, is definitely my favorite sister (though she’s also my only sister so I don’t know if that still counts.) Needless to say, she is a sister that is always there for me, and does sisterly things for me and with me.

I can always depend on her to watch a chick flick with me so we can pretend that the ugly fat pale girl actually DOES end up with the hot popular man with great hair who is actually sensitive and driven despite first impressions of douche-y-ness and a lack of hopes and dreams. (if only life was so easy…)

She is also always there for advice (even if I don’t always ask for it.) But it’s her job. It’s her duty (haha I said duty…) and who am I to stand in the way of some older-sister words of wisdom? Boy advice is always given, usually late at night #pillowtalk. She also likes to tell me what not to wear, which at first is offensive, but in the end helpful, as I know she is only trying to make sure I don’t go into public looking like the michelin man.

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Though her brutal honesty makes me want to five-star her in the back sometimes (flash back to that time we got in a fight at Olympia Sports) in the end, “we all fruit”-My Big Fat Greek Wedding. No but seriously, in the end, I know she nags me Jewish-mother-style (not gangnam style) because she cares, and I am actually weirdly thankful for that.

So Susie, Shrewsannah, the apple of my eye; you are beautiful, smart, stubborn, and wise, and I hope you enjoy this Birthday, and many more, because you’re kind of really awesome. ❤ #sisterlylove #birthday #onceayear  #dontgetusedtoit