HOW TO MEET SUMMER RESOLUTIONS: GETTING TAN, SKINNY, AND RICH

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Summer vacation for college girls is like New Years Day for mid-life-crisis, semi-overweight women: it’s a time for resolutions.

‘Tis the season to start over, reflect on the school year, and finally get around to all the things we wanted to do during the year but never got around to because we were too busy doing more important things, like studying or ripping shots. #priorities

 Because I am not above the ways of Buzzfeed (though I’d like to think I am) I will, yet again, make a list. YAY LISTS!

 Below are the 3 most typical summer resolutions college girls make, because, like, we all know you’re basic.

 Buuttt Plot twist! Read on to see how we can ACTUALLY accomplish our goals.

 You’re welcome.

 1. GET TAN: Yes. This one may seem pretty obvious, but it’s insane how many times I hear my friends—and other girls who think are my friends but I really don’t like—say that all they want to do is get tan this summer.

I have to admit, this is my goal as well…

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Mom always told me my fair skin was so beautiful, but to her I say BULL SHIT! Tan skin makes teeth look whiter, faces look healthier (cause when I’m pale I’m legit a gaunt mother-trucker) and white dresses look killer A.F. Also, I’m not sure if it’s just me, but tan skin is slimming! It’s like the little black dress, version au naturel.

HOW TO: Again, the answer to getting tan may seem obvious, but in reality people are stupid and don’t understand there should really only be one way to get tan.

I’m about to get a little Surgeon General on yo ass and tell you that TANNING BEDS KILL. Don’t do it. Don’t roast yourself and ignore the fact that it will increase your chance of getting skin cancer. Like literally, it’s the same thing as lying under your toaster oven (shout out to my Sophomore year Chem teacher! #education)

I really don’t think you want sections of skin sliced off of your body, and you don’t want ugly moles appearing all over your skin. Those ain’t beauty marks. Furthermore, chemo apparently sucks, so like, lets not go through that. #BeSmart

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So instead, get tan from the sun! But remember: wear sunscreen with some serious SPF and don’t lay out when the sun is super strong. Because then you’ll just burn and peel, and the only person that likes skin flakes is Goldmember from Austin Powers. #Vom

2. GET SKINNY: Now, I would like to preface this post with saying that you are all beautiful. Like wow, jizzing.

HOWEVER, no matter what, girls always make the resolution to “get skinny this summer.” Not only do we want to look good for ourselves, we want to trim the waist so when we return to school in the fall we look fucking unrecognizably sexy.

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Remember in middle school when that pre-teen girl left 7th grade flat chested and boy-figured and returned in 8th grade with GIGANTIC kitties with a T?

We wanna go for THAT wow factor, and summer is the time to do it.

HOW TO: The first thing to remember is that you can’t set unrealistic goals. Saying you want to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer is just setting yourself up for failure. Five or ten is a more viable option.

But more importantly, the REAL goal should be to get HEALTHY. I know. You are rolling your eyes because you know that for the most part we don’t care about being healthy, as long as we look great in a bikini (which is why women resort to diet pills, dangerous cleanses, and pulling the trigger to vom up the din).

But you can get skinny the healthy way! SURPRISE! Lets not go ano, especially because that means no FroYo, and, like, if you ARE a basic bitch, you’d never survive.

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The advice I give you is going to make you HATE me, but it’s seriously the only way to ditch the poundage.

Eat healthy (stop eating everything a la mode), exercise at least 5 times a week (don’t forget about squats!), drink BUTT LOADS of water (lemon water is strongly recommended) and sleep A.M.A.P (as much as possible.)

Also, reward yourself daily with a little treat like a square of chocolate or a glass of wine.

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Do these things, and you’re bound to become so freaking hot you won’t want a new back to school outfit because you’re gonna wanna be naked all the time!

3. GET RICH: Everyone wants to make money during the summer so we can spend it during the year, or add it to our piggy banks to save up (Side note, I have an actual piggy bank with $43 in quarters! #richAF).

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Anyway, we want to make our own money so we can use it to buy things we feel guilty spending our allowance from our parents on (like cabs, unnecessary yummy dinners, booze and substances that rhymes with rugs.)

This way, we are only spending the small amount of parental money on groceries, toiletries, rent and school supplies. #responsibility

We want money, and like Veruca, we want it NOW, which is why summer, a time where we have the freedom to do as we please, is used to make the #moola.

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HOW TO: Now, if I had the answers on how to get rich, I would be rollin’ up to Neiman Marcus in a Mercedes convertible dressed in Chanel instead of writing this blog post right now.

HOWEVER, I CAN tell you that you are not going to make money at an unpaid internship (ok captain obvious). Yeah, it is a resume booster, and, like, I guess you can also sometimes gain good experience, but most places are just forcing college students to spit-seal envelopes and plan out social media calendars. And apparently it’s illegal to intern for free #unjustlabor.

So if you want to avoid the whole “indentured servitude” thing, apply for jobs with wages or salaries (GASP!).

Nannying is a good place to start because 1: You can meet really cool parents that may have connections to cool jobs for your future and, 2: You can make like, 20 bucks an hour, which is way more than one typically makes working in retail or in a restaurant.

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JUST REMEMBER; make money in a respectable way. So even if you have HUGE boobies, don’t work at Hooters. We want to make money, not lose our dignity.

We may not leave our summers’ rich enough to buy a new car or a designer teacup pig, but we will at least have enough for spending on our leisurely items, traveling abroad, or some new going-out clothes.

IN CONC: Basically, take this summer to get tan, skinny, and rich. If we all stay determined, disciplined, work hard and constantly look at inspirational Instagram photos, we WILL accomplish our resolutions.

So here’s to the new you. Mazel.

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Bringing Sexy Back (To School)

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To all of my avid readers and fans (since I’m like, a super famous blogger) I sincerely apologize for falling off the face of the earth this summer. I was stuck in the camp bubble as a counselor. (YAY for getting paid 2 cents an hour!!) But have no fear you crazy college kids. I’m back and I’m here to stay! (pause for applause and confetti and random Hawaiian people swallowing fire. WOOOO!)

Summer is an interesting time for college kids. It’s like this weird three-month gap where you are away from your friends who you literally spent every single minute with during the year (minus class time where you were just texting them behind your open Mac book pro…and don’t deny it.) Then, all of a sudden, you are ripped away from your best friends, sorority sisters, boyfriend or hook-up buddy, and find yourself back where you came from: home. Well fuck.

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Literally, to those of you who love your high school friends, good for you. But for the most part, high school friends were forced upon us by social status, money, and how good you were at sports.

The whole social climbing aspect of high school literally makes me want to vom. People tried so hard to be cool. As the bus driver in Billy Madison said, “I know from experience dude.” Like who was REALLY themselves in high school? Not me. Even that weird girl who wore clothing from the renaissance era wasn’t being herself, she was totally just trying to get attention…and she was fuckin weird.

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Here’s what I think. If you miss your high school friends, then you’re doing something wrong in college. Maybe you just peeked in high school because you were in the right friend group and then you got to college and people realized how much you suck. Well that’s karma, because you were probably a bitch.

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Now that I completed my A.D.D. rant about high school sucking ass, I want to get back on the subject of the weirdness of coming back to school after summahhh.

As many can tell from my post on Freshman year, the first year of college can be pretty freakin nuts. You are literally a chicken walking around with your head cut off, just cluckin (or fuckin) around. Clueless? Yes. Mistakes made? Yes. But we take those three months off to reflect on those black out nights and hang over mornings and realize that we learned something.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, you actually learn something when you go to college. Tuition? Worth it. Here are the two things that I learned from last year: 1) Freud was a semi-misogynistic man that I weirdly found attractive since he was totally brill and could do all that phsychoANALisis shit (haha to the capitalized letters) and 2) once you know what your doing, college is SO much easier.

I kid you not, every girl I knew who was having boy issues last year experienced a full on Jay-Z-esque moment of clarity and realized that they deserved so much better. They came back with more respect for themselves, and a strong head on their shoulders. Sorry guys, it’s not gonna be as easy as last year.

I also came to the conclusion that guys are super lucky girls like to get shit faced out of their minds when they come to college, because if they were sober, these dudes would definitely not be getting as much taco for their meat. Like seriously, when they’re drunk, they have so much confidence and game, and then you talk to them sober and they are literally a blank slate with flirtation skills of a 7th grader. Like, be interesting during the daytime too hombre!

Another thing I realized? As much as you want to, do NOT waste your time on Netflix like I did when I watched all 10 million seasons of Gossip girl. (Like it was so bad, but I just HAD to know what happened next. #guiltypleasure) Get out and do shit. Go to a museum. Try new restaurants. Get lost in a park. Don’t just sleep off a hangover all Saturday, because after college, you have to do responsible things in the real world, and you wont have time to experience all the things offered in these great college towns.

A reflection of parting was also made by most over the summer. We know our limits now. We know not to take that one shot that will set you spinning over the edge, or puking all over the floor. We know that other people are watching, especially Freshman, so we must set a good example for them. Show them that guess what, it’s NOT a good idea to walk around in just a bra and thong at a frat party. Can we say SLOOT ALERT? Party with your class out, and not with your ass out. Am I right ladies? Am I right?!

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On the subject of school, now I know how things work here. I know what to read and highlight and what to skim, I know what professors to take and who to avoid, and above all, I know how to take a book out of the library! (For some reason I was super scared to get books from the lib last year and avoided it at all costs until it was required for one of my classes to check out a book. Totally did it, but I accidentally spilled Gatorade all over the book and tried to return it and they were like “why is this sticky?” (That’s what she said) I was all like “Oh! I have NO idea how that happened! I think it was already damaged!” but they didn’t believe me and made me buy a new book, but whatever. Ya live and learn.)

Chenyway. Summer was a time to reflect, and everyone came back a little changed, and frankly a little hotter (like whoa, guys buffed up, girls toned up. Zayum!) That three-month gap was completely necessary. We all needed to readjust and remember each other’s sense of humors and annoying things our friends do that we learned to ignore last semester. We learn that the stupid shit we put up with and dealt with was so absurd, and we learned that it is time for a change. Obama, ya feel me dawg?