HOW TO MEET SUMMER RESOLUTIONS: GETTING TAN, SKINNY, AND RICH

Image

Summer vacation for college girls is like New Years Day for mid-life-crisis, semi-overweight women: it’s a time for resolutions.

‘Tis the season to start over, reflect on the school year, and finally get around to all the things we wanted to do during the year but never got around to because we were too busy doing more important things, like studying or ripping shots. #priorities

 Because I am not above the ways of Buzzfeed (though I’d like to think I am) I will, yet again, make a list. YAY LISTS!

 Below are the 3 most typical summer resolutions college girls make, because, like, we all know you’re basic.

 Buuttt Plot twist! Read on to see how we can ACTUALLY accomplish our goals.

 You’re welcome.

 1. GET TAN: Yes. This one may seem pretty obvious, but it’s insane how many times I hear my friends—and other girls who think are my friends but I really don’t like—say that all they want to do is get tan this summer.

I have to admit, this is my goal as well…

Image

Mom always told me my fair skin was so beautiful, but to her I say BULL SHIT! Tan skin makes teeth look whiter, faces look healthier (cause when I’m pale I’m legit a gaunt mother-trucker) and white dresses look killer A.F. Also, I’m not sure if it’s just me, but tan skin is slimming! It’s like the little black dress, version au naturel.

HOW TO: Again, the answer to getting tan may seem obvious, but in reality people are stupid and don’t understand there should really only be one way to get tan.

I’m about to get a little Surgeon General on yo ass and tell you that TANNING BEDS KILL. Don’t do it. Don’t roast yourself and ignore the fact that it will increase your chance of getting skin cancer. Like literally, it’s the same thing as lying under your toaster oven (shout out to my Sophomore year Chem teacher! #education)

I really don’t think you want sections of skin sliced off of your body, and you don’t want ugly moles appearing all over your skin. Those ain’t beauty marks. Furthermore, chemo apparently sucks, so like, lets not go through that. #BeSmart

Image

So instead, get tan from the sun! But remember: wear sunscreen with some serious SPF and don’t lay out when the sun is super strong. Because then you’ll just burn and peel, and the only person that likes skin flakes is Goldmember from Austin Powers. #Vom

2. GET SKINNY: Now, I would like to preface this post with saying that you are all beautiful. Like wow, jizzing.

HOWEVER, no matter what, girls always make the resolution to “get skinny this summer.” Not only do we want to look good for ourselves, we want to trim the waist so when we return to school in the fall we look fucking unrecognizably sexy.

Image

Remember in middle school when that pre-teen girl left 7th grade flat chested and boy-figured and returned in 8th grade with GIGANTIC kitties with a T?

We wanna go for THAT wow factor, and summer is the time to do it.

HOW TO: The first thing to remember is that you can’t set unrealistic goals. Saying you want to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer is just setting yourself up for failure. Five or ten is a more viable option.

But more importantly, the REAL goal should be to get HEALTHY. I know. You are rolling your eyes because you know that for the most part we don’t care about being healthy, as long as we look great in a bikini (which is why women resort to diet pills, dangerous cleanses, and pulling the trigger to vom up the din).

But you can get skinny the healthy way! SURPRISE! Lets not go ano, especially because that means no FroYo, and, like, if you ARE a basic bitch, you’d never survive.

Image

The advice I give you is going to make you HATE me, but it’s seriously the only way to ditch the poundage.

Eat healthy (stop eating everything a la mode), exercise at least 5 times a week (don’t forget about squats!), drink BUTT LOADS of water (lemon water is strongly recommended) and sleep A.M.A.P (as much as possible.)

Also, reward yourself daily with a little treat like a square of chocolate or a glass of wine.

Image

 

Do these things, and you’re bound to become so freaking hot you won’t want a new back to school outfit because you’re gonna wanna be naked all the time!

3. GET RICH: Everyone wants to make money during the summer so we can spend it during the year, or add it to our piggy banks to save up (Side note, I have an actual piggy bank with $43 in quarters! #richAF).

Image

Anyway, we want to make our own money so we can use it to buy things we feel guilty spending our allowance from our parents on (like cabs, unnecessary yummy dinners, booze and substances that rhymes with rugs.)

This way, we are only spending the small amount of parental money on groceries, toiletries, rent and school supplies. #responsibility

We want money, and like Veruca, we want it NOW, which is why summer, a time where we have the freedom to do as we please, is used to make the #moola.

Image

HOW TO: Now, if I had the answers on how to get rich, I would be rollin’ up to Neiman Marcus in a Mercedes convertible dressed in Chanel instead of writing this blog post right now.

HOWEVER, I CAN tell you that you are not going to make money at an unpaid internship (ok captain obvious). Yeah, it is a resume booster, and, like, I guess you can also sometimes gain good experience, but most places are just forcing college students to spit-seal envelopes and plan out social media calendars. And apparently it’s illegal to intern for free #unjustlabor.

So if you want to avoid the whole “indentured servitude” thing, apply for jobs with wages or salaries (GASP!).

Nannying is a good place to start because 1: You can meet really cool parents that may have connections to cool jobs for your future and, 2: You can make like, 20 bucks an hour, which is way more than one typically makes working in retail or in a restaurant.

Image

JUST REMEMBER; make money in a respectable way. So even if you have HUGE boobies, don’t work at Hooters. We want to make money, not lose our dignity.

We may not leave our summers’ rich enough to buy a new car or a designer teacup pig, but we will at least have enough for spending on our leisurely items, traveling abroad, or some new going-out clothes.

IN CONC: Basically, take this summer to get tan, skinny, and rich. If we all stay determined, disciplined, work hard and constantly look at inspirational Instagram photos, we WILL accomplish our resolutions.

So here’s to the new you. Mazel.

Advertisements

Wine Night: Keep it Glassy (but like, not really)

Image

Wine nights are never the original plan, yet they are always a good idea (for the most part.) They happen as a back up plan when there isn’t anything else going on but we still want to get our drank on. Oh, (insert hot-guy frat here) isn’t throwing down tonight? Oh, no one is going to hit up the bars? Solution? Wine night.

So what actually occurs on wine night with the ladies? Picture a couple of girls in their comfy Lulu Lemon leggings and loose Urban Outfitters sweaters so that they look all underdressed and chill when actually their outfit costs as much as an iPhone (but like a 4S so it’s like, not a big deal.) Amanda is braiding Katie’s hair, while Emily paints her nails. They flip through magazines and discuss fiscal policy and other important shit while they swirl their Pinot Noir to aerate the tannins or something, while they smack their lips and say things like “it’s a bit tart” and “indubitably.” Now erase that image completely. This is not what happens remotely.

Wine night for college girls is the opposite of classy, and the opposite of boring. Each girl gets her own bottle of wine, or her own bag to slap, because, well, who wants to share and get a light buzz? Yeah, no one. Like, like, “Oooo sign me up for a slight tipsiness that’ll last an hour!”…Uhhh no. We tryna get sloppy joe like a hoe!

Image

Here’s what really goes down when we get our livers drowned:

We pour our wine into a coffee mug or red cup or even a water bottle, because no one remembers to bring wine glasses to college. We pop in a classic rom com (or chi fli) like Bridesmaids, or Mean Girls, or we play amazing music that actually super-soaker-sucks eggs (like Squidward is mostly likely to be) but is tons of fun to dance our faces off too. #sweaty #RememberDeodorant #SecretPlatnumSpanishRose #DiscontinuedAndStillBitterAboutIt

Our Motto: Sipping=lame so chug the juice, and you’ll get loose. It’s simple arithmetic. You see, women LOVE getting wine drunk, or as I like to say, W.D. (not to be confused with D.W., from Arthur.) Why? Well, vodka feels like liquid flames going down, and tequila gets your naked, where as wine…oh wait, wine also gets you naked. (sideways mouthed this-is-awkward-emoji)

It is never a good idea to have your phone with you because stupid texts WILL be sent, yet we always have them anyway. Example with Wine Drunk Girl (or WDG):

Wine Drunk Girl: Hye wutr u UP TOoo?

Boy WDG hooked up with once and hasn’t talked to in a year: haha, you’re wasted.

Wine Drunk Girl: No, I’m ttoly soober ij lkrij lskdnn !!! lei can so ocme over tonigth.

Depending on the situation, this conversation can either lead to very good things, or very very bad things that she will probably regret.

Wine night is also a guaranteed night of roller-coaster emotions. There are two prominent phases when getting wine faded.

Phase 1: The Giggles.

This is where everything is funny. Friend tells a that’s what she said joke? Giggles. Accidentally slice finger open with nail clippers? Giggles. Spill red wine all over white initiation dress? Giggles. These giggles are the giggles where we all laugh as hard as mah dick, until we are red in the face, mascara dripping from our eyes, and the occasional spurt of pee dripping from our vag. Yeah, “peeing in your pants” is not an expression when it comes to getting the giggles. It’s reality. (Shout out to Splash Mountain…you know who you are.)

Phase 2: The Waterworks

This is where we all open up about the ish in our life and get super emo and start to cry and have gross snot dripping out of our nose but no one can say anything because we are crying. This is where we get to wine about our lives (emphasis on the word “wine”) and make our friends listen to las problemas. Though it is a wee bit depressing, its always a good thing to get our emotions out, because during the day, all girls hide all their emotions and pretend they are happy, when there are actually a million things going wrong that day. The Waterworks are for #RealTalk, and are important for helping each other through the hard times. #LeahGetsSerious

The end of wine night, usually concludes in two ways. The first way is passing da fuq out accidentally, even though you totally intended on pulling an all-nighter for the bonding sesh. This sleep usually involves weird dreams, snoring, and heavy drooling. #GirlsRuleGirlsDrool The second way is by meeting up with a boy and bringing sexy back in the lovin sack. (this can be anything from the light PG rated Disney-esque saliva swap to the casual head in the bed, all the way to home run dog-in-bun fun.)

So drink up me hearties, you hoe, you hoe, it’s a Wine Night life for me.

Image