GETTING NAKED: Stop sexualizing the female body

#MUVA

After watching a short clip where Amber Rose spoke about “No” meaning no, I was inspired to reiterate a few things she said as well as add my own insights.

If you haven’t seen the clip, you can press here if you want, OR you can press here (one of them will lead you to the clip, the other will lead you to pictures of macaroni and cheese—both are worth while.)

Amber, a fellow feminist, says that if she is in bed butt naked next to a guy with a condom on who wants to have sex and she says no, it still means no.

Guys may seem confused by this. You may ask; hey bruh, why did she get naked? Why did she get into bed with me? Why is she being a tease?

Maybe she just likes sleeping in her skin outfit, maybe she was just looking for some under bra action, or maybe she just changed her mind.

Regardless of her reasons, if she doesn’t want to sleep with you, you have to respect that. No questions asked. Period. Tampon.

Now another thing I want to discuss is how guys think women are asking to get hit on whence wearing a tight short outfit. In some cases, yes, she might be tits out for da boys.

But in most cases, she is wearing that outfit for herself. She is wearing it because she put it on and felt attractive and empowered and beautiful. That red mini isn’t for the creepy boner guy to her left—it is for herself.

Here’s the thing. I’m sick of women being accused of sexualizing themselves. The only people who are sexualizing women and their bodies are men.

Daily Mail had an article about a woman at the gym who was told her boobs were too tight for her tank top and it was offending the staff and other gym members.

Photo from Daily Mail

Excuse the steam that just came out of my ears and that weird train noise. #FUMING

First of all, if you have big boobs, every top is going to be tight. Second of all, why is it ok for the slim yoga girls to wear strappy clothes and not someone with big breasts?

I can bet you anything this woman wasn’t wearing the tank top to show off the cleave, and was instead wearing it to stay cool and dry as she worked out.

So why, pray tell, is it, that when a curvy woman wears something revealing, she is trying to gain attention from men, but when a curvy manstress wears something tight and short, no one makes anything of it? (Except maybe get a little grossed out because #ManThighs #ItsARealFear)

For as long as I can remember, my parents taught me that the body is a beautiful thing. No one is grabbing the lotion when they observe Botticelli’s “The Birth of Venus.” Sure, she’s naked, but she is perceived as a spiritual beauty, not an erotic shell stripper.

In truth, the only nude painting we should be sexualizing is Katsushika Hokusai’s “The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife,” because OMG have you seen that thing?!

But the fact that just recently, Facebook censored a photo of Gustave Courbet’s “L’Origine du Monde” is just such a shame.

We have to stop making the female body into a sex thing and start appreciating women for what they truly are.

Straight bitches.

Just kidding!!!

Women are smart, resilient, compassionate humans who sometimes want sex, and sometimes don’t. Vagina blood. Pad.

Women are not two boobs and three orifices. Women don’t just give brain, they use their brains too.

So hats off to all the ladies out there who have survived the constant body shaming and cat calling…and no, imaginary uncomfortable gym staffer, I will not put my hat back on.

Chivalry: Dead and Gone?

I’m tired. I’m tired for two reasons. The first is because there was a bat in my house and I can’t fall asleep because I’m scared it will bite my head and I’ll get rabies. (I literally sleep in a shower cap.)

Baby bat!!!

But I’m also tired because chivalry is dead, and keeping my hopes up for a guy who cares to get to know me is exhausting.

Today is an age when men simply text a girl if they wanna get with her, or swipe left if they don’t. That’s it. No white horse, no flowers, no serenades, no poetry.

What inspires me to write this blog post this morning? My entire dating life aside, my friend was texting a guy for a while. (side note, it’s super sad that “texting” has become a relationship status #DigitalNatives)

The dude told her he had a really important question to ask. I quickly brainstormed. He wanted to ask her out. He wanted to start dating. He wanted to be exclusive.

But no. All of my carefully calculated explanations were apparently too optimistic. His actual question?

Wanna come over to my place, do acid with me and &%*#?

The actual text (this is REAL…)

Yeah…I’m gonna let that sink in for a sec…

Like, are you SERIOUS? When my friend responded with a short and classy “lol” as her LAST text to the loser (not to be confused with a luger—cause they’re just trying to get their sled on) the guy tells her she should take it as a compliment and he was being romantic. Ummmm…

NO. Just no.

This is what dating has become. 98% of my friends in relationships started out as a hookup, and that is hard data obtained from years of serious surveying (not really, but I’m ball park correct.)

Dudes wait till the girl already has a drink in her hand to strike up a conversation instead of buying her a drink at the bar. They ask a girl to come over and smoke weed instead of asking her out to dinner. Do they not respect us enough to buy us a drink or take us to dinner? Are they not super into us so they don’t think we’re worth the bill?

Dinner isn’t much. In fact, the cool and trendy thing to do is take us to a low-priced, hipster-laden, down-low-Zagat-rated, hole-in-the-wall restaurant. DUH!

Examples? Prosperity Dumpling. Empanada Mama. Totto Ramen. Le Village. Etc…

Alternatively? A coffee house. A walk in the park. A trip to the zoo. Etc…

REALITY CHECK: I’m not asking for diamonds, helicopter rides or 5-star restaurant dining. I’m asking for a little bit of thought towards what might make me smile. Even more, I’m asking that you get to know me before trying to get WITH me.

I had a long discussion with my sister about the topic–via text obvs– how it seems these guys just want to take me home while I’m looking for more. I’m not looking for a soul mate, and I’m not ready to wife-up, but I’m looking for someone who likes me and not just my butt exclusively.

The bar/club/dating scene is counterproductive. It’s like, if the guy DOES buy me a drink, I feel like I have to go along with the idea that we should hook up. But in the words of all horses I say “NAY!” **eats sugar cube**

Guys. WHY DON’T YOU GET IT? You shouldn’t have an expectation for a woman to sleep with you just because you got her a drink, or talked to her, or asked for her number. Why is it so crazy for a girl to want to get to know a guy before engaging in exualsay intercourseway? #PigLatin

And the other thing? Why would a guy want to go through life having meaningless leg spreads on their most-likely STD-ridden bed spreads, when they could have a cool girl around who actually cares about him and his feelings/life goals?

I want a movement. I want a change. After years of fighting, the LGBT community heard for the first time that same-sex marriage is legalized. They didn’t fight for so long to have sex with each other. In the scheme of things, sex is insignificant. No–they did not fight for sex. They fought for love.

Today, I’m fighting for love. It’s there. I know it is. My parents exemplify true love every day. I’m not giving up on it. I’m simply looking for a man to go one step further. To put in some sort of effort to prove he wants all of me, just as I am.

If guys knew how long women spend getting ready, how much money they spend on clothes and makeup to look good for them, how much time, energy, and thought they invest into researching ways to get a guy, then the cost of a beautiful and thoughtful evening getting to know each other wouldn’t seem so absurd.

Dudes. Get to know the next girl you spot across the bar instead of trying to french her. You may be surprised how much you like her.

And who knows? Maybe you’ll fall in love.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING: A Super Short Post

So apparently Thanksgiving isn’t really a thing in London, which I get since they aren’t really about that whole pilgrim life. However, I figured that even though I won’t be celebrating the holiday as I usually do, I should still take the time to reflect on what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for so many things like my family, my friends, my dog, and basically my life. It’s been pretty awesome so far (I really hope I’m not jinxing it!) but the one thing that really stands out to me right now is how thankful I am for the opportunity to study abroad.

Of course I am thankful for all of the traveling that I have been able to do all over Europe (It’s literally been UNREAL,) but what I am most thankful for are the lessons I have learned.

When you are in a completely new environment surrounded by people from a totally different culture (NO! LONDON IS NOT LIKE AMERICA!) you learn a lot about yourself, and even more so about your relationships with other people.

I’m going to keep this short (like me) because people don’t like to read long things when they’re super full, but I’ve learned exactly who I am, what I want, and who the most important people in my life are.

The ones who have reached out to me and stayed in contact with me and showed me love and kindness while I’ve been away truly hold a special place in my heart. Everyone has their fun friends and their study friends and their in-school friends, but I learned who my REAL friends are.

I know I’m being as mushy as those delicious mashed potatoes I’m missing out on back home, but I cannot begin to explain how happy it makes me to know that even when I am an ocean away, my beautiful friends and family are still here for me.

Being away has put into perspective how much these people mean to, and that although I am LOVING my time traveling and experiencing new things, I am thankful that when I return, I will come back to family and friends who I am certain will be there for me forever and always. How fucking blessed am I?!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!  See you in a month!! ❤

Man Up and Ask Her Out (soberly)

Something amazing happened a few weeks ago at Union Station when I was waiting in line at Einstein Bros Bagels (Product placement?…JK…but like, pay me if you want, I’m not above it), while I was wearing bleach-stained Hardtails and my makeup from the night before.

As they called my number for my everything bagel, which I wasn’t supposed to be eating (#carbs), a man quietly said “Excuse me.”

I looked over to find a nervous, yet handsome looking man, and as I had no idea what he wanted, I just stared at him, deer-in-headlights style. (Did he want to get to the napkins that I was blocking? Did I accidentally take his bagel? And if so, should I just run away with it because I was hungry)? Instead in a shaky voice, he said to me,

“Hi, my name is (totally don’t remember because I was nervous, but it wasn’t something weird like Herb or Afif) and I just wanted to introduce myself to you because I saw you and I think that you’re really cute.”

 

Literally, this was an incredible moment in my life. Now I’m not saying that men haven’t tried to pick me up before, but this was the first time the guy wasn’t like 10 tequila shots deep before mustering the courage to ask for my name and number. Also, side note. how cool is the word “muster?” Ughhhh I love it. It sounds like mustard! 

Anyway, this made me realize that because of the hookup culture, which I don’t usually criticize, women have accepted that meeting men in clubs and other drunken situations is ok, and men therefore have gotten lazier at how they win our hearts.

 

And so I am writing this blog post for two reasons. The first reason is to brag about the fact that I was picked up by an attractive older employed man who was polite and well-dressed (sorry not sorry…oops), and the second and more important reason is to express to all men that if they want a girl, they should grow some cojones, and ask her out soberly, during the day, like a well-mannered gentleman and a straight-up mensch. Like seriously, stop being a man-baby. 

Dudes. This may seem scary. I totally understand the concept of liquid courage, especially in the case of events attended by an ex, or karaoke nights, but asking a lady out in a polite way will score you ten million man points. In other words it’s like adding 3 figurative extra inches to the peen. #Peen.

If I didn’t have to go catch a bus to New York, and if I wasn’t spending this semester traveling around London and Europe #BraggingAgain I would have 100% given him my number. 

Why? Because I respected the fact that he was brave enough to approach me, and be honest and forward with what he wanted. That is a real man, and boy-reading-this-who-would-never-admit-that-you-read-my-blog, you should really follow his example.

Don’t ask a girl out bum to groin mid-grind on the d-floor with pregame-beer breath and slurring pick-up lines that drunk-you found clever. (SO MANY HYPHENS!!!) That’s not how you’re going to find something real. (Obvi if you’re looking for a one-night-stand though, by all means, whatever works).

But trust me. It doesn’t matter if you’re short, or scrawny, or hairless, or have those weird thumbs that look like toes, confidence goes a long way with women, and there is a much better chance she will give YOU a chance if you ask her out like my Union Station Loverboy.

On that note, I want to warn everyone that creepy leers and slithery grease balls who whistle at us and say things like “hey sexy, whatchu doin tonight” does not work on us. I honestly don’t know why these guys will constantly cat-call if it clearly doesn’t help them pick up women.

Staring at her boob cleave whilst asking for her digits won’t do the trick. Be sweet and mature and kind and courageous, and you’ll most likely win a date. And ladies, don’t accept anything less than that.

Chivalry will only die if we step aside while these common 21^st century men try to kill it. There are men out there that are still respectful, so don’t lose hope, and look out for him, because he may just be waiting for you as you wait for your bagel and schmear. 

Ex BF, or BFF: Staying friends after a breakup

Breakups are tough, and moving on from the ex boyfriend is harder than a dude watching Meghan Fox YouTube clips. No matter what, after an awful breakup, a mutual breakup, or an amicable one, it’s always difficult to move on. Because not only are we losing a boyfriend, we are losing a best friend.

He was the one who I constantly texted, snap chatted and hung out with every day. I would begin my morning with him and end my evening next to him. And though one aspect of the relationship I miss are the things that happen behind closed doors—or even just being wrapped in his arms—his friendship is what I miss the most.

He knew my family troubles, my embarrassing moments, my past mistakes and my future aspirations. He knew all the weird things about me and still managed to make me feel normal. He gave me advice, and listened to me talk about stupid shit like my entire schedule for the day or my obsession with my dog. #LilyBear

And I was there for him, just as much.

90% of my stories seemed to involve him, and the other 10% I wanted to share with him.

And then all of a sudden, there was silence. A part of my daily routine—being with him—was ripped away unexpectedly, and penciled into my new schedule was a perpetual loneliness that consumed my world.

The end of our relationship was inevitable, but I didn’t think our friendship would come to a screeching stop as well.

Why is it that when we break up with a boy, we have to lose him too?

BFs to BFFs

It’s true that we should keep our distance after a relationship. If we continued to talk constantly, I’d never be able to fully move forward. But why did the friendship have to disappear too?

Lets get something straight. Things don’t have to be awkward between exes. Yes, you’ve most likely seen each other’s b-day suits, but why should that change the fact that at one point in your relationship, you truly cared for each other?

We may not be IN love with one another anymore, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still love each other.

And if someone did something shitty to cause the breakup, like cheating or being too controlling or lying, even this doesn’t mean you have to hate each other. Because once again, at one point, you cared so deeply for each other that every other person of the opposite sex was blurred and distorted. Literally, I felt like every guy who talked to me at a bar had a vagina. #NotInterested #ButYouCanBuyMeADrink

Life is too short to hold grudges. Yes, maybe the guy was a shit head, but you can learn from this so that your next relationship, whomever it may be with, is stronger and healthier.

Ladies, we are strong and smart and capable of anything, so when you go through a breakup, (and I know it’s easier said than done) we should take the high road.

Don’t avoid a party because you know he’s going to be there—the break up shouldn’t ruin your fun. But at the same time, don’t intentionally make out with another dude in front of him to make him jealous or to get back at him for dumping you.

Be polite and ladylike and your best version of yourself. Give him a hug and tell him it’s good to see him, because things may have ended in a rocky way, but in the end, it’s always nice to see an old friend.

As for breakups that ended mutually or amicably, there is no reason why a friendship cannot still thrive.

Shoot him a text now and then to see how he’s doing. How are classes? How’s the fam? Because you DO still care, and that’s not a bad thing. I know for me, all I want is to see him healthy and happy, but I want to witness it first hand—not just over social media or by word of mouth.

A friendship with the ex IS a possibility. But just like any type of relationship, we have to put in a little effort in order to make it work.

A few cautionary tips:

1. Don’t do friends with benefits. The physical stuff will make it hard to move on, and even if at the time it feels good (inside you) you wont feel good about it afterwards. If you do the dirty and feelings come up, and then he doesn’t text you the next day, you might be angry, but you aren’t together now, and you must accept that he doesn’t have that sort of obligation towards you anymore.
2. Remember personal space. Just with any friendship, you have your space and your friend has his/hers. You can hang out and talk, but it shouldn’t be as frequent as when you were dating. Once a week or once a month is all you need for a nice catch up sesh with an old bestie.
3. Only begin your friendship when you are ready. If you dive into trying to be friends right away, you’ll probably still maintain the feelings you had for him when you were dating and secretly hope to rekindle the flame. It’s unhealthy to think like that, because you shouldn’t ever assume you might get back together. This is why you shouldn’t rush the mourning period. (As Lorelei from Gilmore Girls taught me, it’s important to wallow). Once you have accepted the breakup, and actually understand that it’s over, you can move forward with the friendship that you missed so much.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY: You’re The Best

(I would like to preface this blog post by warning all fathers reading this to not venture on to read my other blog posts, because they reveal things about your college-age daughters that you would not want to know…trust me…however, all fathers SHOULD read THIS blog post!!)

As the youngest of my father’s daughters, it is true that I am my father’s FAVORITE youngest daughter, and so I find it is only appropriate to write a blog about Father’s Day! YAY!

DEAR DADS,

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! There are legitimately so many reasons why fathers deserve an entire day devoted to honoring them. Let’s not forget that without these dudes, we wouldn’t exist! And so, they really deserve a whole week! But like, ain’t nobody got time for that.

Dad, Padre, Abba, Haakoro; whatever I call you, I want you to know that you are my superman (and not just because you have a really strong cleft chin). You are completely brilliant, you work tirelessly to provide for your AWESOME fam, you believe in your children, and you carry in your heart an amount of love SO large, I don’t even know what to do with it. Like, I can’t even.

A squeeze on the shoulder, a kiss on the cheek, a text message of random emojis that show up as a bunch of squares because you don’t have an iPhone…these are all small ways you share your love, and I cherish every moment.

Here are 5 reasons why we LOVE our Dads, and why they deserve to have the most amazing Father’s Day EVER!

1. The Best Shopping Buddies: Dads are the best people to go shopping with, but not clothing shopping…GROCERY shopping! I’m serious. Moms are all about things like health bread and sorbet with flax seeds, but dads want to buy us things that are DELICIOUS, like Coffee Health Bar Crunch ice cream and potato chips.

They’re also the ones that let us buy soda! So yes, maybe our hearts won’t thank us later when they’re filled with clogs, but for now, they are filled with our fathers’ love!

2. The Best Jokesters: Ahhh Yes, the “Daddy Jokes.” They are the corny jokes our fathers make on a daily basis that you roll your eyes at AND laugh at because even though they are offensively stupid sometimes, we cannot deny that they are also extremely funny!

Literally, if you told your dad he was a cheesey punster, he may respond with something like, “oh, you mean I’m Munster?” at which you would try not to giggle, and fail miserably. These daddy jokes are witty, clever, and timeless, and so we LOVE our dads for their sense of humor (which we will all regrettably inherit.) #LameParentJokes

 (<—it’s you because he has glasses!)

3. The Best Fixer-Upper: As I scanned all the hallmark cards in CVS, I realized that apparently it’s a super typical thing that dads are handy men and fix all the broken things around the house.

 

Now, I’m pretty sure the last time my dad touched the toolbox he ended up almost needing stitches, but that’s not to say he doesn’t fix other things. Yes, most fathers fix what is broken in the household, but fathers also fix other, more important broken things. They fix problems. They are the ones to call the school when there is an inaccurate charge on the bill. They are the ones to look all around the house for your lost earring (without telling you they are looking) because they don’t want you to be sad any more. They are the ones that proof read your resume to make sure that everything is perfect. They are handy, and helpful, and a human version of WD-40, which can literally fix anything. You go Dad!

4. The Best Good Cop: Dads are always the good cop in the good cop-bad cop scenario. “Mom, can I have a piece of candy?” “No.” “Dad, can I have a piece of candy?” “Sure honey, grab me one too!” …Literally, Dads are always the good guy. In fights, though they side with mom, or “the boss/Jeffe” as my dad calls her, they still manage to seem like they are on your side. (Side note, this is not to say that the mom is always the bad cop, but like, this IS a Father’s Day post so just let him have this one, ya feel?)

Maybe it’s their stealthy strategy of staying as quiet as possible, but you just can’t get mad at ‘ol pops. Even when he’s not on your side, he’s still on your side, and that’s why we love em.

5. The Best Role Model: Dads bring home the bacon (or turkey bacon if you’re totally Kosh!) and work all day, giving it their all. They also present themselves well. My dad, though he probably doesn’t know it, is a supah classy guy.

He knows art, he respects the ballet, he understands which ties are stylish and what cigars to smoke and what wine to drink (after proper aeration of the tannins of course #Wine-ing). He is educated and keeps up with the news by reading the paper instead of just scrolling through twitter. Dads know it all and do it all, and though their stress levels are what let the massage industry thrive, they complain rarely, and still come home with a smile at the end of the day. Like MY dad, fathers are supermen, and they are people to look up to and aspire to be like.

So Daddy, I love you thiiiiiiiiiis much (picture me holding my arms outstretched as far as I can, Michael Jordan Nike Wings poster-style) and I truly hope you understand that not only today do I want you to know that I love you, but that every day I love you more and more, and look up to you (and not just because you’re taller.)

Though I inherited your never-failing ability to burn yourself on the oven, your restless leg syndrome, and your wide feet, I truly hope I also inherit HALF of the amazing qualities that make you, you, because your heart is warm, your morals are sound, and your love is unmatchable and invaluable.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO YOU AND TO ALL FATHERS!! You deserve it, and much MUCH more!

P.S., thanks for also giving me my long eye-lashes…those things will get me places 🙂

HOW TO MEET SUMMER RESOLUTIONS: GETTING TAN, SKINNY, AND RICH

Summer vacation for college girls is like New Years Day for mid-life-crisis, semi-overweight women: it’s a time for resolutions.

‘Tis the season to start over, reflect on the school year, and finally get around to all the things we wanted to do during the year but never got around to because we were too busy doing more important things, like studying or ripping shots. #priorities

 Because I am not above the ways of Buzzfeed (though I’d like to think I am) I will, yet again, make a list. YAY LISTS!

 Below are the 3 most typical summer resolutions college girls make, because, like, we all know you’re basic.

 Buuttt Plot twist! Read on to see how we can ACTUALLY accomplish our goals.

 You’re welcome.

 1. GET TAN: Yes. This one may seem pretty obvious, but it’s insane how many times I hear my friends—and other girls who think are my friends but I really don’t like—say that all they want to do is get tan this summer.

I have to admit, this is my goal as well…

Mom always told me my fair skin was so beautiful, but to her I say BULL SHIT! Tan skin makes teeth look whiter, faces look healthier (cause when I’m pale I’m legit a gaunt mother-trucker) and white dresses look killer A.F. Also, I’m not sure if it’s just me, but tan skin is slimming! It’s like the little black dress, version au naturel.

HOW TO: Again, the answer to getting tan may seem obvious, but in reality people are stupid and don’t understand there should really only be one way to get tan.

I’m about to get a little Surgeon General on yo ass and tell you that TANNING BEDS KILL. Don’t do it. Don’t roast yourself and ignore the fact that it will increase your chance of getting skin cancer. Like literally, it’s the same thing as lying under your toaster oven (shout out to my Sophomore year Chem teacher! #education)

I really don’t think you want sections of skin sliced off of your body, and you don’t want ugly moles appearing all over your skin. Those ain’t beauty marks. Furthermore, chemo apparently sucks, so like, lets not go through that. #BeSmart

So instead, get tan from the sun! But remember: wear sunscreen with some serious SPF and don’t lay out when the sun is super strong. Because then you’ll just burn and peel, and the only person that likes skin flakes is Goldmember from Austin Powers. #Vom

2. GET SKINNY: Now, I would like to preface this post with saying that you are all beautiful. Like wow, jizzing.

HOWEVER, no matter what, girls always make the resolution to “get skinny this summer.” Not only do we want to look good for ourselves, we want to trim the waist so when we return to school in the fall we look fucking unrecognizably sexy.

Remember in middle school when that pre-teen girl left 7^th grade flat chested and boy-figured and returned in 8^th grade with GIGANTIC kitties with a T?

We wanna go for THAT wow factor, and summer is the time to do it.

HOW TO: The first thing to remember is that you can’t set unrealistic goals. Saying you want to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer is just setting yourself up for failure. Five or ten is a more viable option.

But more importantly, the REAL goal should be to get HEALTHY. I know. You are rolling your eyes because you know that for the most part we don’t care about being healthy, as long as we look great in a bikini (which is why women resort to diet pills, dangerous cleanses, and pulling the trigger to vom up the din).

But you can get skinny the healthy way! SURPRISE! Lets not go ano, especially because that means no FroYo, and, like, if you ARE a basic bitch, you’d never survive.

The advice I give you is going to make you HATE me, but it’s seriously the only way to ditch the poundage.

Eat healthy (stop eating everything a la mode), exercise at least 5 times a week (don’t forget about squats!), drink BUTT LOADS of water (lemon water is strongly recommended) and sleep A.M.A.P (as much as possible.)

Also, reward yourself daily with a little treat like a square of chocolate or a glass of wine.

 

Do these things, and you’re bound to become so freaking hot you won’t want a new back to school outfit because you’re gonna wanna be naked all the time!

3. GET RICH: Everyone wants to make money during the summer so we can spend it during the year, or add it to our piggy banks to save up (Side note, I have an actual piggy bank with $43 in quarters! #richAF).

Anyway, we want to make our own money so we can use it to buy things we feel guilty spending our allowance from our parents on (like cabs, unnecessary yummy dinners, booze and substances that rhymes with rugs.)

This way, we are only spending the small amount of parental money on groceries, toiletries, rent and school supplies. #responsibility

We want money, and like Veruca, we want it NOW, which is why summer, a time where we have the freedom to do as we please, is used to make the #moola.

HOW TO: Now, if I had the answers on how to get rich, I would be rollin’ up to Neiman Marcus in a Mercedes convertible dressed in Chanel instead of writing this blog post right now.

HOWEVER, I CAN tell you that you are not going to make money at an unpaid internship (ok captain obvious). Yeah, it is a resume booster, and, like, I guess you can also sometimes gain good experience, but most places are just forcing college students to spit-seal envelopes and plan out social media calendars. And apparently it’s illegal to intern for free #unjustlabor.

So if you want to avoid the whole “indentured servitude” thing, apply for jobs with wages or salaries (GASP!).

Nannying is a good place to start because 1: You can meet really cool parents that may have connections to cool jobs for your future and, 2: You can make like, 20 bucks an hour, which is way more than one typically makes working in retail or in a restaurant.

JUST REMEMBER; make money in a respectable way. So even if you have HUGE boobies, don’t work at Hooters. We want to make money, not lose our dignity.

We may not leave our summers’ rich enough to buy a new car or a designer teacup pig, but we will at least have enough for spending on our leisurely items, traveling abroad, or some new going-out clothes.

IN CONC: Basically, take this summer to get tan, skinny, and rich. If we all stay determined, disciplined, work hard and constantly look at inspirational Instagram photos, we WILL accomplish our resolutions.

So here’s to the new you. Mazel.

Three Reasons Women Fear Saying “I Like You”

After watching my best girl friends, sorority sisters and campies float from one guy to the next, falling in and out of love and lust, I realized a pattern. For the most part, girls don’t talk about their feelings. Or at least, it’s really hard (that’s what she said) for them to do so.

To every guy out there reading this, stop rolling your eyes. You probably think that talking about our feelings is all we do when we are with our best gal pals (while we simultaneously have drunken pillow fights wearing nothing but lingerie…yeah keep dreaming.)

But the truth is, we don’t like to admit our true feelings for a guy; not even to our besties.

There are a few reasons we don’t just come out and say we like a guy, and so I have made a list to break it down and explain our fears.

1. Our Fear of Rejection: Yes. If we confess our true feelings for a guy, we become extremely vulnerable. Why? Because we fear rejection. If you couldn’t tell from my past blog posts where I randomly rant about how much I hated high school, those four years were not my peaking moments. The only attention I got from guys was when they wanted to talk to my cooler, prettier friends and asked me if I could move down one seat. Like, how depressing is that? #OverIt #ButAmI?

However, because of this, I now doubt everything about guys. I may think a guy is super into me, but as soon as he stops texting me for a couple of days, I “logically” come to the conclusion that he is disgusted by me and hates me and probably deleted my number while fucking some hot blonde chick that’s skinnier and taller and richer than me. Guys drive girls crazy in that sense.

And so, we don’t want to tell people how we feel about a guy, because if we tell him we like him and he doesn’t feel the same, we become a version of ourselves we haven’t seen since our fat days of sophomore year, so why would we want to risk it?

2. Our Fear of Seeming Clingy: Guys never want to come off as the “relationship” type, but guess what. Neither do girls. When in a relationship that hasn’t yet been defined, it’s difficult for a girl to tell her boo thang that she has feelings for him, because she is scared that her feelings will scare him off. She is scared he will suddenly see her as clingy and wanting something more than just being casual.

This TERRIFIES US! Girls would rather be known as a bitch than a clingy, needy hook up. (Especially because similarly to how there are girls out there that only like douche bags, there are men out there that only like bitches.) For the most part, minus annoying psycho girls, we don’t want our men to be whipped. (unless she’s a kinky leather-wearing dom)

We don’t even want to be the ones that wear the pants in the relationship. (Equality. AMIRITE?) So we are careful not to bring up our feelings to our guy, because we don’t want him getting the wrong impression and we don’t want to come off as looking desperate and clingy. We don’t want him to think we’re suffocating him, and we don’t want to screw up what is already working.

3. Our Fear of Commitment (FOC): It really is true that we are never satisfied. When we’re single, all we want is a man to love us and date us and marry us and be our love slave. But if we are seeing someone, we suddenly inch away, because we don’t want to commit. The problem is, is FOCing doesn’t work if you’re not JUST fucking. In other words, if what you are with a guy is more than just the benefits, then there has to be some sort of commitment involved.

This is when things get scary. We’re in college. Just how frat guys and player GDIs want to bang a hundred slam pieces, girls (more stealthily) want to do the same. College is when we are figuring everything out. In an article I was reading on nytimes.com (yeah, I read more than just Betches Love This and Twitter #educated) the article stated that 80% of froshies are unsure about their major. EIGHTY PERCENT! College students don’t know which major to pick, we don’t even know if we should buy mechanical pencils or lead pencils, and we sure as hell don’t know what we want relationship-wise.

And so we fear commitment. Even if we are sure we want to use a lead pencil, we also know there are a million mechanical pencils that will also suffice. But everyone knows lead pencils are the best. They’re the sharpest, classiest, and most graphite-fying (tried to make a pun with graphite and gratifying #fail) type to write with. If you didn’t get where I was heading, what I mean to say is that even if there is this super magnificent fabulous guy who is right there in front of us, we are scared to tell them how we feel, because that means committing, and that means saying goodbye to any other possibilities.

Words of advice: Here’s the thing. In the words of FDR, “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Ladies, we have to stop being afraid to expose ourselves to the ones we care about. We are scared because once we put our feelings out there, we don’t know what will happen.

But those who say ignorance is bliss are living in a fantasy. It’s not real, and it will never become real. If you tell him how you feel, it may end things, but it may also may bring you closer together. Real, honest, true relationships are more magical than any fantasy world. So tell him. Don’t be afraid, because chances are, when you tell him you like him, he’ll give you a kiss and tell you the same. #LeapOfFaith #LOF #MyNewHashtag #ItsProNouncedLikeLaughButInABritishAccent #Trending? #ButSerisouly #TellHim

#BitchesWhoBrunch

You know those girls that don’t like to eat anything except celery and ice cubes? Guess what. They’re doing it wrong, because they’re totally missing out on the best meal there is: brunch.

Brunch is the most perfect meal for Saturdays and Sundays because, well, who the fuck doesn’t like brunch?

Like yo. I HATE brunch…said no one ever.

Here’s the thing. Breakfast just doesn’t happen on the weekends, because let’s be honest, you’re either a) uncomfortably spooning some hookup at his place brainstorming a polite way of telling him you have to go home but you don’t have cash for a cab (awk), b) sporadically running from your bed to the bathroom about every 10 minutes to throw up the absurd amount of jungle juice and/or vodka you consumed last night, or c) drooling on your pillow in a cross-faded state, PTFO.

If you’re at the gym at 8 in the morning on a Saturday, you’re doing Friday night wrong. Like, Shabbat Shalom bitches. Going to bed early is for old people and doctors working the night shift.  PU-EACE

MOVING ON. Because breakfast is just not a thing, Brunch is definitely the move. Not only is brunch fuckin’ delicious, it’s also classy A.F.

Get yourself out of your sweats and into those expensive jeans and peplum top you never get a chance to wear, touch up you’re makeup from last night (if it isn’t smudged all over your pillow) and rally the ladies to re-hash the details from last night’s hash brownie adventures over fancy omelets and hash-browns.

#SayHashAgain #Hash

And one of the best parts about brunch? Bottomless mimosas. Yeah.

Everyone knows the best cure for a hangover is to drink more, (the whole cucumber water thing is totally a myth) so why not do it with a little class in your glass?

The never-ending supply of mimosas (that’s not actually never-ending because there’s usually a time limit like two hours or some crazy ish like that) can alter your state of mind in any way you choose. Four glasses per hour and your bound to be blackout by 3 am,  (shout out to SMD) or a simple two-per, if you’re not feelin’ a stupor.

Binge drinking isn’t binge drinking when it’s done out of a champagne flute. REMEMBER THAT.

And what happens at Brunch, stays at Brunch.

Gossip and #shittalking is bound to occur when a group of girls come together over egg-whites and alcohol, so make sure you trust the ladies you brunch with.

Some advice for doing brunch right?

1. Don’t keep pestering the waiter for more refills.

They get annoyed with drunk biddies and have the power to spit in your food.

2. Don’t drink like a wuss.

You are paying a set rate for your drinks, so you want to get the most out of how much you spent. If you get into a heated deep convo with your BFF Jill and forget to keep drinking, you’ll be throwin’ down $20 for two glasses of yellow drank.

3. Split the check.

There is nothing more excruciating than a group of drunk people trying to figure out how much money they each owe on their check, and it’s a pain to write down everyone’s card number and dollar amount with the tip included. Waiters hate it. Brunchers hate it. And no matter how many times the most sober one does the math, there always ends up being a mystery $15 left over that needs to be added. So divide the costs equally, because it will make the whole process sooooo much easier. #stress #SeperateChecksFoLYFE

4. Uber or metro. Do not drive.

You may think that because you are drinking mimosas, you’ll be good to drive. But guess what. You’re not. It’s legit a serious problemo amongst college students and you really have to cut it the fuck out. Like, it doesn’t matter if it’s a ten-minute ride back to campus and it doesn’t matter that you’re wearing cute clothes so if you do get in a crash, at least you’ll look good. You are putting yourself in danger, and you are putting others in danger, and I cannot emphasize enough that it’s super important that if you are planning on brunching/drinking irresponsibly, then do it in a responsible way.  Ya feel?

5. Tell the waiter it’s someone’s birthday (optional.)

Most likely you’ll get a free plate of dessert with a candle on top, and like, since we’re broke college students we’ll take what we can get. And it’s not lying if you say it’s a belated birthday celebration! #loophole

Good food, good company, and enough time to go back home and nap so you can rally later that night.

Brunch ladies and gentlemen. It’s definitely the move.

HAPPY LOVE DAY: The Mushiest Post I Will Ever Write

OK. So I have an announcement for all those depressed singletons out there who hate on V-day. Today is not a day for couples. Like, what? Could the court reporter please restate that last statement?

Yes. Today is not a day for couples.

Sure, Valentines Day is a day where girlfriends expect their boyfriends to take them to lavish dinners and scatter rose petals all over the bedroom and buy them giant teddy bears and expensive chocolates. Now I’m not going to lie. All of that is super cuticle. No girl would hate it (even the one’s that aren’t into mushy things.) But for me, I never viewed today as that stereotypical Hallmark holiday.

I want to revolutionize what February 14^th really means. Am I being dramatic? Who the fuck cares. I’m thinkin big! I’m fuckin’ WILD!

Anyway. Today is a day to reflect on love. HAPPY LOVE REFLECTION DAY!

Think about your significant other and how much you love him or her, and how much she or he loves you.

But also think about all the other loves of your life.

Think about your mom and dad and how much love they have for you. Think about the little things they told you like, “I love you more than yesterday, but less than tomorrow,’ and the “kissy attacks” and raspberries you received from the rents when you were little.

Think about the love between you and your siblings. Reflect on those times when you literally wanted to rip each other’s throats out during those long-ass car rides but then 10 minutes later you were all laughing again, as if nothing happened, because love can do that. Love allows you to look past the little things, resolve conflicts in life, and forgive and forget so you can move on to the good stuff.

Think about your best friends and how much they mean to you. Think about those times you were up till 6 in the morning, literally (like literally, not figuratively but seriously) peeing your pants from laughing so much (and drinking too much?). Think about that time your friend constantly nagged you and forced you to do your schoolwork because she or he knew your grades were slipping, and wanted the best for you. Or that time when your friend came to your bad choir concert on a Friday night, just because she knew how much it would mean to you. These gestures are pure love, and today is the day to remember that.

But today is also the day to remember those people out there who don’t have a lot of love in their lives. I am extremely blessed. It seems like everywhere I turn in my life, there is someone who loves me and takes care of me. I used to think it was because I loved them all back.

But there are people out there that give so much love and get nothing in return. There are those sons and daughters out there that have never been hugged by a parent, or told how much they are loved.

There are people out there that don’t have close friends. They have their work friends or school friends, but they would never hang out in other settings, and they sure as hell would never call them if they needed a snuggle sesh.

There are those men and women who are 80 years old who have hearts full of love and no one to give it to, because just out of bad luck, they never stumbled upon the right match.

My heart goes out to those who are missing love in their lives, because love is a beautiful, wonderful, magical thing. It is more powerful than medicine and more valuable than gold. Fuck, if love were a public company, I’d buy 1 million shares, because that stock would sky rocket straight through heaven every fuckin day.

So I strongly urge you to take today and reflect on the love that you do have and how lucky you are. Sure, you can spend today sulking and drinking a bottle of wine by yourself and eating boxes of chocolate you purchased for yourself, or get together with a group of your girlfriends and complain and bitch about how there are no men out there and how lonely you are. Or you can just remember all the love that you DO have in your life and celebrate love and all that it means to you.

So really, please, I mean this with the utmost sincerity, have a happy Valentine’s Day!

LOVE AND KISSES TO EVERYONE OUT THERE!  XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO